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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > Election 2005 > News | 20th March |
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Monster Raving Loony Party 'targeted' as key Labour threat1 Apr 2005 by hra
With the champagne glasses barely dry after the Tories' latest 'unaccountable' slip-up at the expense of their Deputy Chairman, New Labour's spin machine is set to turn its unwelcome attentions on the next victim on its list, according to a DeadBrain exclusive published today. In this first of one sensational excerpt from a secretly-filmed videotape of a brainstorming session between spin-doctors Greg Mullet and Douglas Ramsbottom at their Millbank Towers headquarters, DeadBrain is privileged to publish the transcript as follows.Ramsbottom: So that's the Tories finished with. [sniggers, tosses Michael Howard dart-board away] Who's next? Lib Dems? Mullet: [peering at list scrawled on the back of a Moët et Chandon bill] Nope. Hands-off. Tony wants to keep them as – what did he say? Oh yes, 'window-dressing'. Ramsbottom: Muddy the tactical voting waters, keep some semblance of intelligent debate in this country, but unelectable. Right? Mullet: Right. No, [holds up a hand] it's not the BNP, it's not UKIP, it's not even Plaid Cymru. We'll deal with them later... [sniggers evilly] if we still need to by then. [pauses for effect] Actually I'm afraid it's a tougher challenge. [passes Ramsbottom a letter] Ramsbottom: [reads letter, paling] 'The Monster Raving Loony Party! Latest report from Tony's constituency chairman...could do some serious damage...mounting a stiff challenge in Sedgefield...9 out of 10 protest voters prefer them! [claps hand theatrically to head] Oh no. This is terrible. What shall we do? Mullet: [briskly] Business as usual. Trust me, I'm a spin-doctor. Steal all their policies, garner one or two high-profile defectors, and then catch them out in a series of political gaffes. With a little help, of course. Ramsbottom: [uneasily] So where do we start? Mullet: Their manifesto, where else? [shoves a copy across the desk] First, pick out anything that's fairly innocuous, cheap, but headline-grabbing. Here- [jabs a finger at a highlighted line] Ramsbottom: [reading dutifully] 'The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again' Mullet: [smirking] Well that won't be too difficult, will it? They managed it last time round, didn't they? Ramsbottom: So they did. Well, we could go one better and make Westminster Bridge wobbly as well. Mullet: [enthusiastically] Yes, and we could even call it a terrorist deterrent. Next? Ramsbottom: 'Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres' Mullet: The family vote. The shopping vote too. Even the baby vote, when we get round to lowering the age limit. Even better - Ramsbottom: 'Buckingham Place will be defended by triffids, cultivated by Prince Charles.' Mullet: Security again. Organic security too. Very PC. The main plank of our election strategy after, er, the economy and, er, all the other planks. Ramsbottom: Triffids. Dear oh dear. Even the Tories didn't think of that. Oh well, maybe they'll remind him of Camilla. [Shrugs, turns back to manifesto] Mullet: Remember, one leak a week as they say, spread it round all the papers and radio shows – toss 'em all a bone - make sure they're only 'rumoured' election pledges -" Ramsbottom: [sardonically] Forget the Loony Left – at this rate we'll end up as the Loony Right! Mullet: [inspired] You know, we could use that as a campaign slogan. Douglas, we may make something of you yet! [Phones up and orders more champagne] Ramsbottom: [worriedly, pointing at the manifesto] What about this? Mullet: What? Ramsbottom [reading again] 'Any Home Secretary claiming to have more children than necessary will be made to run the House Of Commons Crèche.' [looks up miserably] That won't play very well with David when he's reinstated, will it? Mullet [shocked silence] Ramsbottom: [reading further] 'The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.' That won't play very well with Gordon or his successor will it?" Mullet: [spluttering, then shocked silence] Ramsbottom: [reading further] 'Concerning 24-hour pub opening, we propose to make the length of a day 32 hours so that the pubs can be open for even longer' Mullet: [panicked, voice cracking] Extra hours in the day? More time for overnight debates of anti-terror legislation?! Ramsbottom: [deadpan] 'Any cabinet minister found telling lies will be shot across the English Channel in a high velocity circus cannon' Mullet: [despairingly] But that won't play very well with... DeadBrain regrets to report that the remainder of the transcript has been confiscated under the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act. It is understood that a certain member of the security services is to be temporarily freed up from his day job of spying on recalcitrant senior lawyers and assigned to pose as a 'loony activist' attending the Monster Raving Loony Party's forthcoming "Loony Way Forward" meeting at London's Adam Street Club. Sources close to the Government are believed to have been very impressed by his recent performance as a 'Thatcherite activist' at the same venue whilst similarly equipped with state-of-the-art covert recording equipment.
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