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Tories ask to be known as Labour
6 Apr 2005The Conservatives' half-hearted attempts at re-branding took another giant stumble sideways today. Already having asked the media not to refer to them as Tories in case it confuses the electorate, the Tories now no longer want to be known as 'Conservatives' either after research found that the word put people off.
"People seem to have an aversion to anything that sounds Conservative," admitted Tory spokesman Doug Ramsbottom. "That's why they don't like Tony Blair."
When asked what the party would now like to be known as, the spokesman was initially coy. "We haven't decided for definite yet, there are still lots of options, lots of ideas. And there's a huge constitutional process to go through within the party," he said. "Michael Howard has to think about it for at least half an hour."
Pressed on the matter, Mr Ramsbottom said that a recurring favourite of focus groups was 'Labour'. Never one to miss a trick, our reporter pointed out that a party called Labour already exists in Britain – indeed, he added, it had won the last two elections. "This may well be true," Mr Ramsbottom conceded, "but that wouldn't necessarily be a problem. We could call ourselves New Labour, for example. It's fresh, it's cheerful, it's... new."
At this point the discussion became quite heated. After our reporter removed the pot plant from his trousers and Mr Ramsbottom corrected the tilt of his desk, the interview turned to other matters. Would Michael Howard be changing his name to Tony Blair? "Don't be ridiculous," Mr Ramsbottom replied. "We're thinking Gordon Brown. Although there is a problem with the whole Scottish thing. And Charles Kennedy's thinking of calling his baby that."
Other important Conservatives are also planning name changes. David Davis is to become David Blunkett, Michael Ancram is to become Elvis Costello, Theresa May will be known as Ellen Macarthur, and Boris Johnson has already filled out the paperwork to change his name to Boris Johnson.
Plans to change the party's colour to orange have meanwhile been shelved after it clashed with Robert Kilroy-Silk's tan. "We have to keep our options open for after the election," Mr Ramsbottom said mournfully.
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