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Country struggles to cope without MPs
13 Apr 2005
Britain is in a state of near-collapse today after struggling to cope for two days without MPs. Parliament was formally dissolved on Monday, meaning that the country no longer has any MPs - all those previously elected and standing again are now only candidates.
Across the north of England, transport ground to a halt and public buildings were forced to close as people realised that they were without representation. "This is a very scary time for me," said Brenda Shuttleworth, a pensioner from Grimsby. "When I had an MP I felt safer, like if there was a mugger outside my flat I'd be able to call him up and he'd be able to sort it. But now I don't know what to do."
A small riot had to be calmed by police in Newcastle when a group of people arrived at the site of their former MP's constituency surgery, demanding to be listened to on problems ranging from oversized hedges to the number of DIY programmes on television. "I don't know what they're doing here," complained an assistant, "the surgeries are always on Saturdays anyway."
Organisers of village fetes are also struggling to find people to cut ribbons and judge jam-making competitions. "We always used to get our MP to do it, but now he's a nobody," said Douglas Ramsbottom, chair of the Bootle parish council. "If we can't find anyone before Friday I fear we'll have to start trying the cast of Coronation Street, or even Keith Chegwin."
Panic buying meanwhile set in at a shop in Norwich - Mrs Muggins' Cake Shop - when shoppers discovered that they didn't have an MP. "Before I used to write and complain to him when I got food poisoning from these dreadful cakes," said one regular customer, "but now there just isn't anyone. That's why I'm buying fifteen cakes at once. You know, just in case."
Meanwhile in Aberystwyth, a man had to be talked down from jumping from a "large stool" when a reckless neighbour informed him that an election was afoot. "I can't take it, why couldn't my MP just stay? I don't know who he was, and I hated his guts, but he was my MP and I was attached to him. Why can't we just not have elections?" he shouted. Although initially keen on the man's proposal, a Labour party official managed to persuade him to climb down from his stool and bundled him into a waiting van.
Professor Gregory T Mullet, an expert in elections and other assorted paranormal phenomena, told DeadBrain that the country's nightmare would soon be over. "By mid-May everyone will have forgotten about this, things will be back to normal and the man across the road will have stopped screaming at my cat," he said. "For now I would just advise people to try to remain calm, and avoid watching Sky News wherever possible."
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Wow, look at this!
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