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An open letter from Charles Kennedy
24 Apr 2005 by Paul DaviesHi, I'm Charles Kennedy, you may remember me from such party political broadcasts as: "If it's the economy, then we're stupid" and "Ginger Scots – not as bad as bald Tories".
I would like to take up just a wee bit of your precious time – and it is precious, given the way Gordon Brown continues to tax it – to explain just why voting Liberal Democrat is not as silly as it sounds.
Firstly, the Lib Dems are a personal, caring, sharing party, so please, call me Charlie, or Chas, or Chuck, or anything you like really – I'm 'down' with all sorts – that's what being a Lib Dem is all about (so long as you're not too successful – we don't like your sort round here, you greedy capitalist swine!).
Politics can often be seen as intensely boring, and often it is, but that's what we're here for: we're intensely boring too - sometimes, more so than the so-called 'opposition'! But we do try to make it more exciting, and we try ever so hard; we've been campaigning on entertainingly fatuous election gambits for years now, but unfortunately you lot have taken such little notice that sometimes I wonder whether it is all in vain. But now we're different. Honest.
A close personal friend of mine, John Cleese, taught us all not to mention the war. But I think, and I hope you agree with me, that war is an important thing, and thus should be mentioned. Unfortunately, I've been having trouble sleeping lately – kids, eh? – so haven't been able to talk properly about anything, and with Menzies getting on a bit and Lembit under orders not to open his mouth during the campaign, we've been a little slow to seize this opportunity. Which is why I'm taking the time to remind you that we still exist, and we care. About you, about the war, about students, and therefore, the very future of our beloved country.
Fair enough, I may not have a clue when it comes to how we're going to run the economy, but I'm sure we'll figure it out. Together. You and me.
So go on, vote Lib Dem – The Real Alternative. It'll be fun. Think of it as a duty – a British imperative to support the gutsy underdog. You can even make a day of it – go out and get lashed, then stumble into the voting booth and vote for me. Then, look forward to even more exciting times as we work out just how to run a country!
Failing that, remember the others. When he's not clubbing baby seals to death with Brown's budget briefcase, Tony Blair worships Satan and lunches with George Bush. Michael Howard, on the other hand, sleeps in a coffin and eats the children of the working class. So even if you don't want to vote for me, vote against them, which means voting for me – which makes everybody happy! That has to be a good thing.
Love and drinks,