Lib Dems remember about Iraq
24 Apr 2005
The Liberal Democrats have remembered about the war in Iraq, it was revealed today. "I knew I'd forgotten something important, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it," said the party's leader, Charles Kennedy. "I'd put a knot in my handkerchief and written something on the back of my hand, but I ended up wiping up after young Donald and... well, you get the picture."
"At first I thought it was proportional representation, but after the third audience fell asleep I'm pretty sure it wasn't that!" he joked, possibly. "No, now I know what it was: it was Iraq."
Mr Kennedy went on to remind voters that Britain had invaded Iraq – "which is in the Middle East, by the way" – following a request from US President George W Bush. "Mr Blair – Tony Blair, I mean – was only too happy to agree, but we sat down and we said no, hang on a minute, are we sure we want to do this? And by golly we weren't – now more than ever before I think that's abundantly clear," he said.
"Of course, they didn't listen to us. They wouldn't, would they? That's Labour for you – they don't listen, especially not to the Liberal Democrats," he continued. "And that, on many levels, is why you should vote for us on May 12th. Sorry, May 6th. 5th is it? Ok, May 5th."
"We, the Liberal Democrats, were right then and we're right now. You could say that we're right here, right now, but you'd have to check with that DJ for rights issues on that – what's he called? No, not him, he's dead. No. No, never mind. I'm sorry, I'm very tired. We've just had a baby. Well, my wife has, obviously! Let's not get carried away here."
Returning to the point some time later, Mr Kennedy described how the war in Iraq was without justification, although he would have supported it if the UN had. "Actually, can we cut that bit out? Thanks. But yes, as I was saying, the war was wrong, the government was wrong and the Conservatives were wrong. In fact, everyone was wrong apart from us. That's what we believe, that's where we are today and that's our mission for the future. Sorry, I think I've lost myself again."
Mr Kennedy has also released a heart-felt letter to voters, pleading with them to vote for his party. He had hoped to have it published in all the national media, but following an accident involving a bottle of Scotch and a fax machine it only managed to reach the Bootle Gazette and us. Click here to view it.
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Look at this, moron.