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An open letter from Tony Blair

29 Apr 2005 by Paul Davies

Edited by Alastair Campbell

Hi everybody, Tony here.

Thought I'd drop by, see how you all are; working hard I hope. I know I am. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about, in a way.

Being Prime Minister is a tough job; it needs a tough man to make tough decisions. And that's what I am. You may not like me, you may consider my entire being an affront to your notions of the Labour Party, democracy, integrity... whatever. That's not important. I'm in charge, and I think I've done rather well. Sure I've made mistakes, who doesn't? ~~Luckily I'm a skilled and influential lawyer who can get away with anything.~~ But I passionately believe that I've always acted in the best interests of the British people.

A lot's changed since 1997. We've introduced an awful lot of good policies, ~~and a lot of really rather dodgy ones as well and we're sorry about the bus lanes~~ ~~And no one likes me anymore~~ but my popularity seems to have slipped somewhat.

I've been blamed for removing Saddam, which ~~although it wasn't my original aim,~~ was a very good thing. I've been blamed for ignoring my cabinet while governing from a sofa and for being a bit right wing, but I remind you it was Clement Attlee who said "democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking" – so there.

In case this is still a problem, I should point out that sofa governance is a thing of the past – John broke the last one, and that annoying tit Linda Barker has put me off buying a new one. ~~So now I've got one of those swanky vibrating chairs, which comes complete with headphones so I can listen to Franz Ferdinand rather than those bores from the front bench.~~ (PM of the people remember Tony – AC) I've also been blamed for being a greased piglet, whatever that means.

But think: back in 1997 I had nothing to lose. In between I had elections to win. Now, with this being my last term in charge, I've got nothing to lose again, so basically, I'm back to being the regular kinda guy you all knew and loved eight years ago.

I'm now more interested in a legacy and making you ~~forget about~~ ~~forgive me over~~ come to see that I was right all along about Iraq, so that I'm remembered for being better than ~~Gordon~~ Maggie.

Which, you know, I think I deserve, what with all the good I've done, especially taking into account the ~~holes I've dug myself into~~ the totally unjust criticism I've received.

And, you know, whether it means anything to you or not, I passionately believe voting for me would be a good thing.

And if all that still isn't enough, ~~who cares? You're stuck with me,~~ you're hardly going to vote for Howard are you?

Yours for a few more years,

Tony

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