| |
Howard promises to improve the weather
In the latest salvo of escalating and increasingly bizarre electioneering promises Michael Howard, the potentially newest former interim leader of the Conservative Party, has undertaken to improve the weather if he and his party are elected on Thursday.
Speaking in Tamworth, Mr Howard said, "Under New Labour everything has got worse - crime, education, health care, television, immigration - even the weather."
"Vote for us and we'll reverse the deterioration," he went on. "Well, OK, we can't actually do anything about crime, education, health care, television or immigration, nobody can. But we can - and will - do something to improve the weather."
He said that people would wake up to a "better, brighter Britain" on Friday if they backed the Conservatives.
Asked to explain what he meant by better and brighter he said that a Conservative government would privatise the Meteorological Office, thereby improving its efficiency and effectiveness, which would clearly translate into better and brighter weather. "We will take control of the weather out of the hands of faceless bureaucrats," he said, "and give it to the private sector, which we know will do a better job."
Meanwhile an apparently flustered and desperate Tony Blair, seemingly reduced to scare tactics, said in a speech in Gloucester that under the Tories peoples' mortgages would be at risk. Unfortunately the speech was greeted with howls of laughter. Onlooker Douglas Ramsbottom noted that as nobody can afford a house in most parts of Britain any more mortgages at risk was really a moot point. A bewildered Mr Blair had to be helped off the stage after he began blinking rapidly and repeating over and over that he is not sorry for taking Britain into US President "Boy" George W. Bush's war against failed dictator Saddam Hussein™. Muffled shouts of "I believe it passionately", "it's the right thing to do", and "God, I hate Brown" were heard for some time after Mr Blair had been taken backstage.
Asked for a comment on how the parties stand, Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy said that he was confident that his party would make significant gains in the election, if only because the Lib Dems are coming across as the least wacky of the mainstream parties.
Late NewsSir Richard Branson is believed to have been in contact with Michael Howard to propose setting up Virgin Weather. DeadBrain has been unable to corroborate this.
Log in to read/write comments on this article
This looks good...
|
|
