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| You are passing rapidly through: Home > News in Brief > Archive | 7th January |
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September 2001 North-South Divide 4 Sep 2001 There was shock in the newsroom of ITN last night as reporters discovered that news doesn't just happen in the south of England and Wales. According to eyewitnesses reporters were so surprised that things other than foot and mouth happen in the north that they instantly forgot what had happened, and so were unable to include it in their late evening broadcast. A spokesman for ITN assured us that there is definitely not a bias in their coverage towards the south. Investigation into "Tiny" Computers 6 Sep 2001 Trading standards officers in Surrey today revealed that they have launched an investigation into computer manufacturer Tiny after numerous complaints from angry users. Douglas Ramsbottom, who cleans the room where the press conference that we weren't invited to was held, told us, "From what I heard, they've had loads of complaints 'cos their computers aren't tiny. They're actually quite big. So they're going after them on that trade descriptions thingamyjig. OK?" Website apologises over spoof investigation 7 Sep 2001 Widely acclaimed news satire website DeadBrain last night issued a heartfelt apology to its visitors after the ITC ordered it to apologise over the website's spoof investigation into paediatricians. Douglas Ramsbottom, a redundant spokesman for DeadBrain, stopped people outside a department store in Reading to apologise to them. According to passers by, he blubbed, "We're sorry, we're really, really sorry," before breaking down in tears. Meanwhile, the website's CEO, Director, Chief Important Guy and Overall Boss, Gregory T Mullet, told reporters that he stood by the investigation, but at a job-saving safe distance. Kennedy "not a womble" 16 Sep 2001 Liberal Democrat Leader Charles Kennedy today denied that he is a womble. At an oddly positioned press conference on Wimbledon Common, Mr Kennedy told shivering journalists and a man out walking his dog, "I am not a womble. I don't know where these baseless allegations have come from. It's just not true. Now will you pick that rubbish up please?" Despite frantic attempts to find him, Uncle Bulgaria was unavailable for comment. IRA feel "left out" 20 Sep 2001 The IRA last night said it was feeling "left out" after the recent terrorist attacks in America. A gun-wielding spokesman told petrified journalists, "What with all this Bin Laden crap going on we've not been in the news for a while, so we're going to talk about decommissioning our weapons again so we can get some headlines. Anyone got a problem with that?" Stationery chain closes 21 Sep 2001 Famous German stationery retailers Osama Bin Schreibwarenladen announced the closure of all 100 of their outlets last night, following a massive drop in sales. Company officials blame the recent publicity around the US terrorist attacks for the decline in revenue. However, one official told us that the company is considering re-opening under another name, possibly calling themselves the International Radier-gummi Association, or IRA for short. Bush needs intelligence 22 Sep 2001 US President George W Bush yesterday announced that he needed intelligence for the fight against terrorism. President Bush, who mumbled inconsistently at a White House press conference, told journalists, "In order to win the fight against terrorists around the world, we're going to need intelligence, and a lot of it. Unfortunately, we don't have much of that right now." The President also said that he was "considering how to respond" to the threats of a holy war made by Afghanistan's ruling Taleban. Analysts expect Mr Bush's response to be unintelligible. Drugs trade on the up 24 Sep 2001 New Home Office figures out last week show that the UK drugs trade is worth the same as that of Marks and Spencer. However, officials at M&S were keen to point out that more people want to buy drugs than shop there. Farmers' wives do their bit 26 Sep 2001 Farmers' wives are doing their bit to curb the disastrous effects of the foot and mouth crisis. In order to prevent a full-scale milk shortage caused by "a lack of non-dead cows", they have taken to filling up milk bottles with human milk. The women are charging up to £20 per bottle and, since they can fill a couple of bottles a day, their new business has turned out to be lucrative. A spokeswoman for the Farmers Wives Provide Milk Campaign said, "We are just glad to be doing our bit for the rural economy. We'll do anything to keep the industry afloat. Don't worry, we are all taking calcium tablets so the milk is very nutritious". The scheme has received backing from Robin Cook, Leader of the House of Commons, who said, "I'm all for it!" Widdy chats to Parky 30 Sep 2001 Ann Widdecombe last night appeared on BBC1's Parkinson show in a rather obvious but still totally shameless attempt to promote her new book. Ms Widdecombe, who spoke at length about her time as a politician and her new book, revealed that she is in fact a paedophile and likes to "borrow other people's children". Also appearing on the show were Victoria Wood, who listened intently as Ms Widdecombe spoke about her new book, and Bob Geldof, who sang "oo-oo you should know better" in her general direction. Neither of the other guests said that they had read Ms Widdecombe's book, or that they were manic Welsh sheep-shagging depressives.
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