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| You have been flattened by: Home > News in Brief > Archive | 6th January |
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May 2002 Byers Job Title Change 11 May 2002 Downing Street announced this morning that Stephen Byers' job title is to change. As we reported earlier this week, Mr Byers retained the job of Transport Secretary despite being made the head of the new Groundhog Department. Now, though, the Prime Minister has decided that "Transport Secretary" no longer adequately describes Mr Byers' position. Following extensive media publicity in recent months, he will now become the "Beleaguered Transport Secretary" to "help the public better identify him". Criticism over "racist" phrase 15 May 2002 Self-harmed news satire website "DeadBrain" today came under attack for using the phrase "itsy bitsy" in a speech. According to several overvalued academics and a weasel breeder, the phrase has unwelcome racial connotations to "yellow polka dot bikinis" and could be offensive to some people. DeadBrain has apologised for any offence caused. Presidents sign arms deal 24 May 2002 The US President George W Bush was in Moscow today to meet with his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. The two presidents signed an historic treaty – the first for almost a decade – which is set to slash their countries' stocks of arms. No information has been released on what the countries intend to do with their redundant nuclear weapons, but sources close Dubya told DeadBrain that he has a site in mind "just above Baghdad". Exciting space discovery of the day 26 May 2002 Scientists working at NASA were excited today after a spacecraft orbiting Mars sent back some "interesting" data. According to the Mars Odyssey, there may be vast quantities of ice water on the planet. This, said a spokesman, means that a manned expedition there is far more likely due to the serious water shortages on Earth. Monkey remains homeless 28 May 2002 Damp and slightly drooping news satire website "DeadBrain" this morning confirmed that it will not be buying the ITV Digital monkey. A spokesman for DeadBrain officially denied reports that had appeared in some tabloid newspapers, but did say that the website was considering putting an offer in for Johnny Vegas on the condition that he "never speaks again – ever".
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