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| You are standing next to: Home > News in Brief > Archive | 17th May |
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June 2003 In Brief: Government denies "duping" public over WMD 1 Jun 2003 The former International Development Secretary, Clare Short, today accused the government of "duping" the public over evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. However, a government spokesman denied that this was the case. "We absolutely did not dupe the public over Iraq," came the angry response from Number 10. "We tried our hardest but nobody would believe a word we said." In Brief: Bush forces G8 leaders to watch cartoons 1 Jun 2003 President Bush today got back at Russian President Vladimir Putin, who had forced world leaders meeting in St Petersburg to sit through a video show about the city's architecture last night. Bush, who was not present at the meeting, was determined to show who was boss and forced everyone at the G8 summit to watch his own American cultural masterpiece - cartoons, including The Simpsons and South Park - for over half an hour. Officials present at the meeting say that tension between Moscow and Washington is at its highest state since the Cold War. Iraq actually won war; Iraqi WMD found in White House 7 Jun 2003 by Mike (the prettiest boy in the third grade) In a surprise turn of events it has been found that Iraq actually won Gulf War II. The Middle Eastern Al-Times revealed today that Iraq secretly inserted an ingenious new type of biological weapon into the United States during the 2000 presidential election. The weapon, code named George W. Bush, had been created to exactly resemble a Republican Presidential Candidate. "This is the most insidious thing that we have ever seen," said CIA assistant director Michael Stellar. "This bioweapon was able to completely wipe out a strong US economy, destroy millions of jobs, and alienate allies that have supported us for decades. If we had known that the Iraqis' bio weapons program was so advanced we would have advised Clinton to strike earlier." In Brief: Government pledges standards improvement over euro test failure 10 Jun 2003 The Education Secretary, Charles Clarke, has pledged to improve standards after Britain failed the Chancellor's five economic tests for joining the single currency. "It is a great shame that standards in economics are not as high as in literacy and numeracy," Mr Clarke told journalists. "So, following our successful numeracy and literacy hours, we will be introducing a euro hour in primary schools from this September. By the time these kids are old enough to vote we might actually be able to win a referendum. We can't fail!" In Brief: Cheney "probably still alive" says Pentagon 15 Jun 2003 The US Vice-President, Dick "Head" Cheney, is "probably still alive", the Pentagon has claimed. "Cheney hasn't been seen in public since before the war, so there is a strong possibility he's either dead or in hiding," said a spokesman, "but we think he is still alive, perhaps in Syria. We will find him eventually." A new 1,400-strong task force is now being sent to Washington to join the search. In Brief: Harry Potter publication new biggest news story ever 21 Jun 2003 by Malcolm Drury Publication of the new JK Rowling novel, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", is now officially the biggest news story in the history of everything, eclipsing the Beckham transfer, according to media statistical analyst and illustrator Peter Snow. Using a 60 metre-long board with a coloured lights along its entire length, Snow demonstrated to journalists how the Beckham story rated only 30 metres worth of flashing lights, while other news stories barely made the 20 metre mark. The outbreak of World War Two, for example, makes it to only 15 metres and the Tory party coup that removed Margaret Thatcher merits only 18 metres. The Potter book launch, at 58 metres, leaves everything else far behind. Douglas Ramsbottom, secretary general of the British Guild of Media Hyperbolists, told reporters who had gathered to witness the book launch that he personally had never seen anything like it. "The interest level is absolutely unprecedented," he said. "The novel is certain to become the fastest-selling book ever. Even before publication it set Internet sales records. The whole world is totally engrossed. It's the most significant event in hysteria – er - I mean history." Prince William gets Harry Potter book for birthday 21 Jun 2003 Prince William has received a copy of the new Harry Potter book for his 21st birthday, a palace official has told DeadBrain. The gift apparently came from his younger brother, Harry, and was checked for explosive devices by bodyguards. "Prince William was delighted to get the Potter book," said DeadBrain's royal correspondent, Queen Douglas of Bulgaria. "This is a very special day for a national institution, and William must be pleased he can share in it."
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