The Week in Rhyme
by Dick Tator
The whole of this week was a scorcher
But watching the news was utter torture
The world must be doing fine
If buckled rails are the main headline
Blairs and co. are in the sun
Chilled, relaxed and having fun
Our leader just now is tubby John
Holding the fort, while Tony is gone
The Kelly accusations did fly
As his family said their last goodbye
The Tories said it was pretty shitty
For Labour to call him Walter Mitty
Prescott carpeted the loudmouth man
And he said sorry to the Kelly clan
He said it was an off-record address
But he should know not to trust the press
The Saudis are now being fair
To prevent a diplomatic scare
They've pardoned some Brits and a Canadian chap
Although the charge was total crap
The Saudis want in on the world stage
But the innocents will be full of rage
At going through five years of hell
Rotting in a Saudi cell
The football cash is flowing again
Chelsea have got some classy men
Juan Veron and wee Joe Cole
They should win the title at a stroll
But there's someone spending more than that
A mighty media mogul fat cat
Rupert Murdoch and BskyB
Have got the rights for football TV
Flash mobs are the latest craze
Leaving shopkeepers in a daze
If you see one you will be perplexed
What will Americans think of next?
And in the coming weeks, more fun
Will Cherie Blair get to number one?
Will Ulrika and Wright be made to pay?
And will Des go back to Match of the Day?
Advertisement
Are you having election problems?
Vote for one of the porn stars running in the California election and your problem will be solved! No drugs required. OK, she might screw up the state, but at least you'll be able to jack off when the news is on.
|
Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: Tony Martin's secret love child
Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
I wrote to you last week and you replied with some very rude advice! You must be a very sad miserable and frustrated old cow with absolutely NO dress sense! Put that up ya skirt, sweetie!
Alison Buckhead
New York
Fenella says:
Shut it, asshole! How dare you accuse me having no dress sense. The cheek of it! Period!
Dear Fenella
Whenever I introduce food into sex it goes disastrously wrong. Even the rib of beef dinner went nowhere: we just ended up with this big lump of roast meat between us. What should we do?
Ida Meatloaf
Bath, UK
Fenella says:
Try adding gravy – how the hell should l know? Why can't you just stick with a midget salami and be done with it? Or maybe you could try something less bulky – like a Hershey bar. Blue cheese never works, so don't even go there! What home were you let out of? Period!
Next Issue: 16th August
|
