Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Hello unhappy gardeners and welcome to my horticultural world of problem gardening. Do you have a problem? Are you at the door of despair and need someone to push you through? Blooms drooping, bush dying and fruit shrivelling? Well let me tell you how to be the perfect gardener. So grab that trowel and get probing. We've soil to till and roses to plant!
Dear Ham
I am always struggling with my compost heap and never know what to put in it. Last week after I had murdered my father-in-law, I stuck him inside it: do you think his festering body will attract rats? He stinks to high heaven! My wife doesn't mind – she's already in there. Life is so much better without them! Now I can garden until my heart's content!
Duncan Twatts
Littlehampton, Dorset
Ham says:
Funny! No – I don't think so. Just piss over it to give the compost a head start and it should tackle any unwanted evidence. LOL!
Dear Ham
Last week when I was digging my vegetable patch I came across a human skeleton. Is this normal? There was a dagger sticking out of it and a label on the lapel read: “Delia Smith”. Does Delia do off the peg numbers?
Sally-Anne Numbskull
Lower Snoring, Sussex
Ham says:
It's probably just a poor animal that got in the way of a loose bread knife. These things happen! Maybe it's a hedgehog? Put the bones through a shredder and use them as garden mulch.
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: England match passes off peacefully
Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
My mother-in-law is coming over and once again she will give me a hard time. She's so evil to me! What should I cook for her, as everything seems wrong? She is always criticising my cooking.
Alexandra Du Ponce
Blackwater, Lake District
Fenella says:
Stick arsenic in the old bag's food! Kick her down the stairs! Pump her full of elephant shot! Kill the bitch! Well – isn't that what you wanted me to say? Do something! What are you – totally stupid? I knocked my old mother-in-law off years ago. I hired a hit man and he pushed her off Beachy Head whilst she tried out a new piano! She died whilst paying land of hope and glory. An old bird really did fly over the white cliffs of Dover that day! Result! But I did not tell you that! Period!
Dear Fenella
I am a virgin screaming for my first experience, but I am too ugly to attract a man. What can I do?
Jemima Frillon
Kingston, Jamaica
Fenella says:
You ugly bitch! Put a sack over your head! Men don't look at the fireplace when they're stoking the fire! Period!
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