The Hutton Inquiry in Rhyme
by Dick Tator
All alone on a woodland hill
A troubled Doctor had had his fill
Of spin and lies, journos and hacks
Constant worry and watching his back
Blair and the New Labour flock
All took it as a nasty shock
The man who'd leaked the dodgy claims
Had made their plans go up in flames
In his office Mr Hoon despaired
He'd blamed Kelly since the Today programme aired
Now the Doctor had taken his life
And releasing a statement was his grieving wife
"Shame on you all," said the doctor's spouse
"We've had nothing but trouble surrounding our house
My husband came forward - he wasn't a mole
But you and your squabbling dug him a hole
"He wasn't on trial, but you sentenced him
To hours of anguish and a death that was grim
Shame on you all and your truth-spinning ways
I hope that this haunts you, the rest of your days"
Tony came out being careful but fiery
"I've no comment," he said "But let's have an inquiry
Lord Hutton will lead it, I'm sure he'll be fair
And we'll see who's to blame for this whole affair"
The drama all started with the man from Today
He was confident and cocky at the start of the day
His evidence came from the notes in his diary
And he read them out to the Hutton Inquiry
He asked Kelly if the dossier had been sexed up
Kelly didn't think it had all been corrupt
But he admitted to him that the spies had been forced
To put in a claim that was just single-soured
When asked who it was that included the claim
Kelly said Alastair Campbell was to blame
Gilligan put all of this in his report
That's why he was called in to Lord Hutton's court
Next up was Campbell, the master of spin
He said that the claim was "Good to go in
Forty-five minutes was no made up lie
It had come from a very reliable guy
The intelligence chiefs had all said it was cool
They new that Saddam was evil and cruel
None of them doubted he was ruthless and mad
So don't blame me, I've done nothing bad"
Next up was Blair and the press all went nuts
But he showed he was cool and he showed he had guts
If the story was true he said he'd resign
He went out and he put his balls on the line
But the press were kind to the man at the top
So his reign in power will not yet stop
He's still doing fine, leading the left
Which brings us to a man called Geoff
Oh Mr Hoon please tell us why
You did go on the stand and lie
Instead of twisting what was true
You lied and said it wasn't you
It was as clear as night is black
That you had named the friendly quack
You thought you'd do it indirectly
And it'd all work out for you perfectly
But courts are not like a chaired committee
Where you can lie and still be sitting pretty
The press have got you jumping hoops
But you just keep sending in more troops
Normally casualties are quite sad
When war's concerned it's usually bad
But this time it may not be true
If the war's next casualty turns out to be you
The first stage is now at an end
It's driven Labour round the bend
Tony will be filled with rage
If he has to go back for the second stage
It's already cost him his buddy Al
His shadowy but trusty pal
Now he's going to lose Geoff Hoon
The Tories will be over the moon
It's looking like there's more to come
The papers have yet to have some fun
So put next Monday in your diary
For the second stage of the Hutton Inquiry
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: The corridor in Robin Cook's exclusive block of flats
Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
I am suffering from virginal stench and my husband refuses to have relations with me. What should I do?
Cynthia Smyth-Cramphorn
Belgravia, London
Fenella says:
Try Dettol! Are you thick or something? Go see a doctor. If you smell like a pile of rotting herring, what the HELL DO YOU EXPECT? You stupid broad! God help your poor husband. Tell him to come to my place – I'll screw him to the ground! Period!
Dear Fenella
I am very fond of sensible knickers, but my pervy husband wants me to wear scanty lace numbers: what should I do?
Susanna Poke-Hopkins
Meanmouth, Devon
Fenella says:
Get real you stupid lump of lard! Wear what he wants – otherwise just throw yourself under a lorry you miserable fridge! Huh! You English women are so freaking mad! If he runs off with the nearest slapper it will you YOUR fault! So get real, sister! Period!
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Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
Last week I was constructing a new shed when a large and heavy section fell onto my neighbour, trapping him and seriously injuring him. Instead of calling for an ambulance I decided to bury him alive under the shed floor. He's still struggling to get out – was this a wise move or what?
Adrian Frigham
Middle Bottom, Herts
Ham says:
LOL! Just whack him over the head with a spade and finish the job! LOL! You lot give me the giggles!
Dear Ham
I am contemplating confiscating a bit of the local cemetery that lies over my fence. Say about, ten feet beyond my boundary? Anyway, l am moving my boundary today, whilst the vicar is out. What do l do with the grave stones?
Jeremy Bonham-Slagg
Gringe-on-the-Bog, Suffolk
Ham says:
Pull them up and chuck them through the church windows! LOL!
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