The Hutton Inquiry in Rhyme
Part 2
by Dick Tator
A quick week off and then back for stage two
Wondering what Lord Hutton would do
Who would be missed out, and who would come back?
And how long until Mr Hoon gets the sack?
The second stage of Hutton's inquiry
Was dominated by Campbell's diary
In it he had lots of info on file
Gilligan could certainly learn from his style
He made his position quite clear
He battled the Beeb with nothing to fear
He had all his facts and he was sure he was right
The aide to the PM was up for a fight
Gilligan's report had more than one flaw
And Campbell refused to play for a draw
He denied that he wanted to leak Kelly's name
But Hoon was much keener to give him the blame
But the fireworks came at the end of the stage
The family's lawyers displayed all their rage
They said he was a pawn in political row
If it wasn't for that he might still be here now
Gilligan was called an unreliable man
But Hoon, they said, should carry the can
He's a liar and a cheat and he should take the rap
And his evidence to Hutton was a load of crap
The government's brief talked up Kelly's support
Ever since he came forward with some news to report
They said it was outstanding, and they did try their best
But Kelly withdrew himself after he confessed
The BBC admitted their mistakes
They said Gilligan should have put on the brakes
He wanted the scoop and he wanted the glory
So he filled in the gaps of a pretty weak story
So over to Hutton to sum it all up
To say who was blameless and who was corrupt
We hope he'll be thorough and hope he'll be fair
And blame Geoff Hoon, for this sordid affair
Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
Every time I use my mower I chop off one of my toes. What am I doing wrong?
Myra Von Stumpit
Sage Bonkers, Norfolk
Ham says:
Wear steel-capped boots and no under garments. It turns me on! LOL!
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: Close-up of Prince Harry
DeadBrain is strongly opposed to press intrusion
Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
Last week I came home early to find my boyfriend playing with the plumber's mate. He told me that he was just giving him a hand and got carried away. Should I believe him or what? I don't know who to believe anymore and I am at the edge of despair!
Deidre Dunderhead
Dartford Tunnel
Fenella says:
Are you always this thick! Fall off the frigging edge – thicko! Don't you know that boys always play with other people's equipment – like hell hey do! Beat the bastard to a pulp and plead insanity! Period!
Dear Fenella
My mother has just told me that my father was an illegal alien. Before she could tell me what planet he came from, I lost my temper and ran her over with my car, while she was watching TV. Should I conclude that my mother was the victim of an alien abduction? She's ruined the carpet...
Midge McNutter
Great Slaughter, Suffolk
Fenella says:
Huh? No, she was the victim of a hit-and-run! You mad fucker! What next? Run down the neighbours because they didn't say hello? Kill the world because you couldn't stand having green pointy ears? Huh? Get stuffed you weird pond-life! Period.
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