The Week in Rhyme
by Dick Tator
Conference time for everyone Tory
And Duncan Smith is going for glory
Sound bites and parody are all well and fine
But what about transport and finance and crime?
It looks like a leadership challenge is in sight
But Iain refuses to give up the fight
Tory eyes are on Mr Howard
But for now it looks like he's being a coward
While Tony was facing a very tough ride
With parents of soldiers stood by his side
At the service for those who were lost in the war
And he still hasn't justified what it was for
There's been some big news in the land of the free
And soon we'll find out how good Arnie can be
He's managed to acquire the governor's post
And now he's in charge of the country's west coast
But the state is in debt and the books are a mess
It's sure to be tough even he will confess
So we'll see how he does before judging the man
He might have some surprises as part of his plan
But the football is what's on everyone's lips
They've all been dirty, gyrating their hips
They've all been trying out different positions
But they've been failing to obtain the ladies' permissions
They've named Jody Morris as a suspect of rape
But will he be found guilty or will he escape?
Are the girls the victims of a bad misdemeanour
Or are they trying to make their palms greener?
The FA have tarnished Ferdinand's name
And stopped him playing, in the big game
The rest of the squad thought that it was unfair
And they threatened to strike to give them a scare
But it all worked out well for the men in white
Although Beckham gave the country a fright
Johnny his mate would be proud of that kick
But he needs to invest in some studs that'll stick
It's the play offs for Wales, and the men in dark blue
Let's hope they can make it into the draw too
They'll show the English how it is done
Without them the party won't be as much fun
Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
My husband likes sex everyday. What am I going to do with him?
Serena Banglingham
Updyke, Wiltshire
Fenella says:
Send him round to me, you sad old bag! I'd let him shag me twenty four hours a day – that will knacker him out! Stop whining you ungrateful fridge! Period!
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: Some of the rebel Tory MPs
Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
Every time I plant some roses they die on me! Last
week I planted a lovely red rose in the pond and it
simply died within days. Am I doing something wrong?
Juliet Twonker
Rear Ally, Upperabit, Norfolk
Ham says:
Roses prefer soil to ponds. However, you could put
water lilies in the pond!
Dear Ham
I tried water lilies but the window boxes I put them in didn't suit at all. They turned yellow and stank bad! Like shit, actually!
Juliet Twonker – again!
Ham says:
More compost material, my dear! Now, do as you are
told or Uncle Ham will have to take you to the potting
shed and show you his giant carrot! Ha, ha, ha!
Dear Ham
I seem to have discovered an infestation of crabs in
my bush and my cucumber is all droopy – what's up and WHAT can I do?
Damien Bratwurst
Northhampton
Ham says:
I think you should visit the VD clinic. Then plant a
few bulbs for the spring!
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