The Week in Rhyme
by Dick Tator
Nothing's changed for a week or three
The French and Yanks still can't agree
David Blaine's still in his glass cage
And football's still on the front page
The soldiers are still in Iraq
Tony's still got George's back
They're still fighting in the Middle East
So much for the roadmap to peace
The Tories are still in the news
Claiming to be the party to choose
Major's telling them not to fight
But it isn't something that he got right
If the men he led hadn't done it back then
He might still be at Number Ten
Before he chose to share his thoughts
He should have thought of kettles and pots
But one man's making things more fun
In his truck that weighs more that seven tons
He's a loveable guy but a little thick
And now he's finished in the nick
Our railway network's still a joke
The west coast plan's gone up in smoke
Twenty odd billion to fix it all
With no chance that the cost will fall
The railways may be looking quite bleak
But the chancellor's had a wonderful week
A new baby boy for Mr Brown
In Edinburgh he's the talk of the town
So good luck to the man from Fife
It's a time of joy for him and his wife
Lets hope that their new baby boy
Will bring them many moments of joy
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STILL DESPERATELY WANTED
Loyal supporters. Willing to reward with shadow cabinet post, office job, whatever! Surely there must be someone out there???
Please, please contact:
Iain Duncan Smith MP, House of Commons, London
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: England's football team in training
Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
I followed your advice about adding urine to the compost heap, but got into trouble with the police. They said that some neighbours had complained because everyone was coming into our garden to take a leak. They said that genitalia had been seen! The copper insisted on inspecting my member for evidence and suggested I go home with him to his flat for a closer inspection. He said he would be gentle. What do you make of that?
Anthony Farker-Plantain
Birch Whipper, Lincolnshire
Ham says:
Your neighbours are probably jealous that no one is
pissing in their garden. The policeman probably means
well. I'd give him a few carrots and hope he goes
away. Once you've seen one truncheon you've seen 'em
all! Ha, ha, ha!
Dear Ham
I am an axe murderer in Clubham High Security Prison
For Raving Crazy Murderers, in Scotland. The
gardening here is restricted to one flower pot. Can I
grow Cannabis successfully? And can I make it look
like an Affrican violet?
Tom Headsmasher
Clubham Prison, Avon
Ham says:
I suggest you grow carrots and feed the whole prison!
At least that's what drinking a bottle of whisky makes
me feel you should do. Good luck Tom! And don't
forget to piss on your compost heap!
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