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The Week in Rhyme
by Dick Tator
What's that nasty murmuring sound?
The sceptics said it couldn't be found
Deep inside the man of steel
There's something not right, Tony can feel
The man plays tennis and goes to the gym
Surely nothing can be wrong with him
The finest of chefs prepare all his food
Which doesn't explain, why he doesn't feel good
Some will say that when you start a war
Your conscience will eat you and give you what for
Getting rid of Saddam may have been right
But cluster bombs are no way to win in a fight
So think of the little Iraqi boys
Who picked up the clusters, instead of their toys
Their limbs and lives were torn apart
No wonder there's something wrong with your heart!
Pressure to for old IDS
His leadership skills are being put to the test
The vultures are circling like a bunch old rats
But who will be first to throw in their hat?
Concorde has made its final flight
It left New York and flew into the night
The sound of this incredible plane
Will never be heard over London again
The world will seem a much bigger place
Now that no plane can fly on the edge of space
It's sad to see the plane go away
Let's hope we see Concorde back some day
In football the Battle of Britain was won
By the old boss not the prodigal son
Ferguson and the United crop
Took on his old skipper and came out on top
But the news of the week is the Windsors again
Burrell upset Diana's young men
Betrayal of trust, said the heirs to the crown
But the butler says he's not backing down
The letters are the key to his cash
And he's trying to make a massive news splash
So that his ugly mug is brought to the fore
And he can get more cash, betraying her once more
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Picture of the Week
by the DeadBrain Paparazzi
Photo: Runner denies taking drugs
Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
Some years ago I planted some Leylandii evergreen
trees in front of my window. They shot up and
completely blocked the view and the light. Now I have
to put the light on to see during the day, and
sometimes I forget whether it's night or day. Do you
think it's time to trim them a bit?
Tom Deadhead
Shady Village, Lancashire
Ham says:
Yes, I'd cover them with a recognized substance prone
to conflagrating at a very high temperature. Petrol
is quite adequate. Do that, then drop a match nearby.
That should reduce them to ugly blackened stumps.
Don't worry if the house burns down – you can always
claim on the insurance! Ha-ha-ha!
Dear Ham
My clitoris is enormous and I don't know what to do
with it!
Cloris Spreadeagle
Upper Slag, Yorkshire
Ham says:
Do you mean "clematis"? If so, rub it gently with a
firm hand and call for assistance. A good going–over
with your husband should cut the matter down to size!
Ha-ha-ha!
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Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Fenella
I am faced with a choice, my husband or the milkman.
My husband is small, thin and tiny, while the milkman
is big, butch and huge. Whom should I choose?
Deliah Von Trapen-Cropperantaplatzenbirgen
Thostenvarg, Sweden
Fenella says:
Are you Swedish or fucking mad?
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Dear Fenella
No – I am Swedish.
Deliah Von Trapen-Cropperantaplatzenbirgen
Thostenvarg, Sweden
Fenella says:
Order double cream every week and enjoy both worlds – you dumb idiot!
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Oh forget it.
- Iain Duncan Smith, London
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Next Issue: 2nd November
Look at this, moron.
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