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The Week in Rhyme


What a week for all the Tories
Finally they get some stories
But to try and get some attention back
The had to give old Iain the sack

Yes, poor old IDS has gone
He'll be wondering what went wrong
He was never going to achieve perfection
But he didn't get a chance to fight an election

So the Tories now must all unite
If they're going to get their campaign right
They must get behind the dark man Mike
Now that Iain's on his bike

Tony's staying quiet throughout
He doesn't want to scream and shout
He'll just keep calm and play his role
And let them dig a bigger hole

Problems for Arnie across the sea
They're rapidly running out of trees
Fires have spread throughout the state
Things over there aren't looking too great

They should just send him in with a truck and a hose
A big sharp old axe and some fireproof clothes
He'll show all those fires they were wrong to attack
Then talk to the press and say, "They won't be back"

Some Brits down by Greece aren't having fun
They went on a cruise, and now they've got the runs
Four hundred are ill, and they're all under stress
The cruise liner's toilets must be in a mess

So how will Michel Howard do?
He's certainly got a lot to prove
Will his party start uniting?
Instead of all this petty fighting

The Tory party must change their position
And offer an effective opposition
Or Blair will fill our heads with crap
And remain on President Bush's lap
Picture of the Week


Photo: The Tory leadership candidate

Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!


Dear Ham
The York stone slabs in my garden are all slimy and slippery: how do I stop this problem?
Dwain Goebles-Hitler
Stalag 17, London


Ham says:
A flame-thrower will suffice. Or sulphuric acid gently rubbed in with the fingers. Careful, though you may need your fingers amputated afterwards! Ha-ha-ha!

Dear Ham
Is it true you drink too much?
Peter Ponce
Claphappy, Wales


Ham says:
Not at all! I only drink one bottle of malt before lunch. Any more is vulgar! Ha-ha-ha!

WANTED: New Conservative leader. Must be Michael Howard.
Apply to: The nearest TV camera.

Fenella Clamp Speaks Out!
Britain's best agony aunt airs your agony


Dear Fenella
I've ordered the most enormous goose for Christmas but I'm completely at sea as to what to stuff it with any suggestions on how to make the festive feast swing? I also have the most wonderful joint.
Samina Deli-Belio-Smith
South Shields


Fenella says:
Not another crank! Joint? Swing? You'll be high when the bread sauce is passed around! Goose? No frigging meat on it! What are you trying to do, starve your guests? They'll be lucky to get a morsel, you crazy tight old bitch! If I came around and got starved, I'd smack your face in! Stuff the goose and stuff yourself instead, and surprise grandma!

Next Issue: 8th November


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