Simple Pleasures: The Toilet
by Julian Hyland
Of all the advances, gains and pains wrought upon us by modernity, none are quite so sweet or conducive to contemplation as the modern toilet. A comfortable, near celestial space, carved from the most rudimentary industrial materials, whereby a man may pause his day in order to gently purge his consumption. It is a statement in itself, a pooh, and one that in its feral nature, cannot be visually sanitised in any way other than to gloss the ceramic pot that catches it and provide reams of absorbent, subtly marketed paper in order to "wipe away" the act itself.
Ahh, but what a joy it is to luxuriate in a well-prepared hour, idly flicking through a magazine or a book, pondering the day's events, or merely huffing yourself blue with the extra effort needed to extract that last, vital nugget.
A well-prepared session invariably requires a few moments of consideration. Certain factors may dictate the nature of your "time-out" in the bathroom; can you expect a wholesome, fibrous product? Perhaps, due to previous consumption, you are expecting a touch of the "spiced slurry" that concludes an encounter with Indian food? Maybe time is of the essence, and you feel your bowels sloshing around like a half filled hot water bottle bubbling in your lower torso? A sure sign of a previous evening's entertainment of cocktails and dry humping.
Yet if time can be found to select the correct items, it is advisable to do so before entering the sacred space as you may find yourself with more time than you'd thought - time to enjoy other peripheral activities. Reading materials, a transistor radio, some crisps and beverages, can all be savoured along with a pouch of tobacco and a calm, self-assured air of dignity.
Some people choose to experience the pleasures of the toilet as events in themselves, while others are more than content to combine the event with a bath. The delicate sounds of running water are conducive to a higher state of defecation; in fact, people have been known to reach Zen-like states during this kind of combined hygiene. The gentle music of water, the external mechanical hum of a central heating system, and the personal gratification obtained whilst cacking into a pan, are all part of the beauty of the modern bathroom and its ability to suspend time and allow its user to enjoy the more basic pleasures of the body.
Next Time: Looking out of the window, the pleasures of observation.
Dick Tator is away
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Ham Pitchmast
Your man of seed!
by Mark Kingswick
Dear Ham
My begonias are all saggy and my flowers are drooping
– what should I do? The local panel from the
Beautiful Britain contest are coming round to see
them and I am shitting myself!
Thomas de Poncy
Full Bottom, Farton
Ham says:
Have a few pints, and when the judges come round, if
they don't like them you could kill them all, and
plant them under the begonias, just for a laugh!
Ha-ha-ha! Otherwise, try planting some weed.
Dear Ham
Yesterday I accidentally watered my garden with
radioactive heavy water, and this morning I noticed
that all my plants have turned into man-eating
monsters. As I write this they are rampaging through
the streets of Shuvit and eating all the locals.
Please help me!
Ivor Noutbonce
Shuvit, Northumberland
Ham says:
Ha-ha-ha! Sounds like fun! Invite them in for a game
of strip poker, and feed them weedkiller? Ha-ha-ha!
Dear Ham
My greenhouse has no glazing – will this affect my
chances of growing tropical plants?
Steve Von Twatton
Thickton, Avon
Ham says:
Try clingfilm. I did last night and my wifey had
three orgasms! Ha-ha-ha!
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- The Labour Party
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