The Year in Rhyme - Part 2
by Dick Tator
Two thousand and three started off with a fright
As two hairdressers were killed at a party at night
The party ended with someone firing a gun
He certainly knows how to spoil their fun
It was a horrible year for TV's Matthew Kelly
As his name was slandered on the news and on telly
He continued his work and fought to clear his name
But his showbiz career will never be the same
And he's not alone, fighting lies about sex
John Leslie, too, has had many police checks
Some players from Leeds and some boys from up North
Have all been involved when a girl has come forth
Tony Martin is out, and he's tending his farm
Making sure that his buildings all come to no harm
His burglar, however, is back in the nick
And people keep saying that judges are thick?
Our boys in blue got it tough all this year
As crime was hyped up to fill people with fear
We read about crime every day in the paper
But the editor's not helping make the streets any safer
The SARS virus frightened the world for a spell
For those people affected it must have been hell
The bug had no mercy as it rapidly spread
And thousands of people ended up dead
A fond farewell to the others who passed
Bob Hope at one hundred could no longer last
Maggie's old husband kicked the bucket as well
And lest we forget all the soldiers who fell
When the deaths were announced, old Tony got flack
And it grew as more and more bodies came back
But despite controversy it didn't give him a scare
As much as the whole Dr Kelly affair
He died with a smile by an old country road
But his death lit a fuse that was soon to explode
As his coffin was lowered, his wife did proclaim
That everyone involved held their share of the blame
So with pressure mounting Blair announced an inquiry
Which centred round Campbell and his infamous dairy
Lord Hutton presided, in the number one court
And we're all still awaiting the judge's report
The year has been sandwiched by bad news from space
It seems Beagle Two landed flat on its face
There was sadder news still as the year was still young
It turned out to be Columbia's last run
We could go on for a while about tragic events
And try to figure what all of them meant
But it's time to add some more festive cheer
And look at some funny things in the last year
A man in a box made the news for a while
Performing a stunt in his own unique style
Some said he was crazy and boring as hell
But others quite liked it and they wished him well
Californians went crazy as a man from the screen
Said he'd battle corruption and fulfil all their dreams
He's been on the news only one or two times
So judging by that he must be doing fine
Michael Jackson took on Martin Bashir
And the things that he said were a little bit queer
He looked like he was not right in the head
Playing with children and taking them to bed
The District Attorney wasn't very amused
He rebuffed the claims the Mike was confused
He raided his house and spoke to some kids
About Mr Jackson and the things that he did
And what a shame for poor IDS
He put up a fight but he came off second best
At the conference in Brighton he commanded the floor
But the guys in the party showed him the door
So Michael Howard came in from the dark
To save the old party and give them some spark
Blair didn't worry about the Tories' new king
He just brought up the poll tax and Thatcher and things
But the one thing this year that made everyone laugh
Was the cheating major and his millionaire gaffe
He cheated his way to a pile of dough
With a cough and a splutter and a quiet whispered "no"
It's time to bring in the New Year once again
Let's hope there's less killing (apart from Hussein)
Let's hope there's some good news and plenty of cheer
And that Bush gets kicked out on this election year
Did you miss part one of the Review of the Year? The magazine will be back to normal next week
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July
Dr. Who declares SARS defeated
Bin Laden gatecrashes birthday party dressed as comedian
Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds
Blair wows Congress; wins American Kennel Club best in show
Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch
Judge jails entire Norfolk police force
"Evil Rapist" Leslie possibly not guilty
August
US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert
Boy, 13, glues tractor to face
Suicide bombers call for better working conditions
Outrage over Brussels "straight railways" plan
Blair asks entire cabinet to apologise for everything
Students celebrate meaningless and irrelevant exam results
Government unhappy at low terrorist threat ranking
NHS to be closed for repairs
September
Bush back at work, world safe once again
No. 10 press office announces successful balloon mission
Holyrood building loses world overspend record
Taliban preparing for comeback tour of Afghanistan
RIAA pushes for ban on computers, Internet, electricity
Kennedy – "We can replace Conservatives as also rans"
Plans afoot to keep Blaine in box indefinitely
Segway issues product recall over stupidity risk
October
High Court: NHS must treat ill people
WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool
Tory leader "has office", to be investigated
Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space
Diana feared attack "from Media"
Confusion as House of Lords bans hunting with frogs
Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun
Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest
November
Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader
Royals to issue blanket denial of all unspecified allegations
Howard plans further downsizing of Tory Party
Secret plan for Britain to adopt US time zone, drive on right during Bush visit
Threat of Bush visit increased, says MI5
Daily Mirror infiltrated by journalist despite high security
Bush state visit: Dubya's diary
Government to introduce compulsory amputation for new students
December
Lib Dems launch "Big Fireside Chat"
Big Conversation latest: The nation speaks to Tony
New EU anti-spam law stops all spam in a day
Iraqi army was unprepared for war, lacked WMD, says report
Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again
Elves sacked in Lapland porn shocker
Mad cow panic! Bush mines fields, bombs abattoirs
Hostage Blair released by United States
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