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NHS a 3-star failure?
25 Sep 2001
Health Secretary Alan Milburn today announced a new system of ratings for NHS hospitals. All hospitals in England have now been awarded a number of stars ranging from zero for poor to three for excellent. The new system has brought responses from all across the political spectrum, and the Liberal Democrats, who are currently hosting their annual rambling convention in Brighton.
Charles Kennedy, leader of the Liberal Democrats, responded by mumbling something about PR and having a vote on it. The Conservative spokesman for health, who no one has heard of but is almost certainly a right-wing loony, might have had something to say on the matter, but we weren't really that interested. The BNP and UK Independence Party, who get little attention from most quarters of the media, won't get any here either.
DeadBrain went to great lengths to find a suitable expert or two to interview, but we couldn't find any, so instead we talked to Gregory T Mullet, Professor of Nuclear Particle Physics at Strathclyde University. Professor Mullet, who spat indiscriminately at us and a confused Media Studies student throughout our interview, had nothing interesting or relevant to say, and was actually quite rude, so we're not going to publish anything he said.
Businesses have been quick to take advantage of the new scheme. Starting next year, the Ordnance Survey and the AA will be publishing starred ratings alongside the "H" symbol on their maps, and Michelin will shortly be publishing "The Michelin Guide to the NHS", and 90-page guide to the best hospitals in England, including special points of historical interest and advice on the best cuisine.
Finally, pensioner Douglas Ramsbottom, a part time ballet dancer, climbing enthusiast and owner of a village post office somewhere in North Wales, was very keen to comment on the new ratings system, and even called our Hotline to leave a message, but unfortunately we couldn't understand a word he was saying. Douglas, wherever you are, we salute you.
Look at this, moron.
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