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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Jacques Chirac |
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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 30th July |
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Mullet: The Interview 5 Feb 2002 After his weeklong kidnap ordeal, we bring you an exclusive interview with Gregory T Mullet OBE. Our expert reporter Douglas Ramsbottom talked to Mr Mullet at his home in Wetwang, East Yorkshire. Douglas Ramsbottom: Mr Mullet, thank you for agreeing to talk to us. For over a week now, the world at large has heard nothing about you. Where have you been? Gregory T Mullet OBE: Well Jeremy, I have been all over the place and it's all very confusing. First some fool decided to shoot me with a water pistol – I was totally soaked, you know, right to the skin – then they took me off in the back of an ice cream van! I was knocked out with the shock of the whole thing, of course, so the next thing I knew I was tied to a banana plant in Jamaica! DR: Yeah, it's actually Douglas, but never mind. What happened next? GTM: Well then all these semi-naked women started dancing around me with their coconuts and all, and then they started making offerings to me. It was all great fun. You'd have loved it, Jeremy. DR: Douglas. GTM: Whatever. Anyway, after that they presented me with this massive crown. I think they wanted me to become their king or something, but you know me Jeremy, I don't go in for that sort of thing. DR: (sighs) So what happened next? GTM: You know I think I must have passed out again – I don't really remember that much. DR: OK, so where did you find yourself next? GTM: Well…er…there was the bouncy castle, and…er…er…I think I was in Buckingham Palace at one point. DR: Buckingham Palace? GTM: Yes, you know the one Jeremy, where the Queen lives. DR: Right. So… you were found two days ago now. Would you like to tell me how you were discovered? GTM: Oh I wasn't discovered, Jeremy – DR: It's Douglas, OK, DOUGLAS! GTM: Oh I do apologise, why didn't you say? Yes, well, anyway, I wasn't actually discovered by anyone. I just rang the AA and they came and picked me up. DR: I see. And where was this? GTM: Wolverhampton. DR: But you just said you'd been at Buckingham Palace? GTM: Did I? Well maybe it was from there then. I don't know. DR: OK, so how did you get from Wetwang to Jamaica, to Buckingham Palace, to Wolverhampton, and then back home again? GTM: Ummm…in the ice cream van? Yes, they go quite fast, actually. DR: OK, let's move on. What are your plans for the future? GTM: Well I had so much fun in that ice cream van I think I'll carry on with it. Would you like a Calippo? DR: Not just now thanks. So what about the Bring Back Ann Widdecombe Campaign? GTM: The bring back what? DR: Ann Widdecombe? GTM: Oh god no, you'd have to be completely off your rocker to want to bring her back, Jeremy! DR: But it was your campaign. You started it all. GTM: Don't be ridiculous. I think you've got the wrong man, Jeremy! DR: OK, Gregory T Mullet OBE, thank you very much. GTM: My pleasure Jeremy. Now how about that Calippo? Click here to discuss this article
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