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UKIP Terror Threat
13 Mar 2002
Concerns are growing that the radical right wing of the UK Independence Party may try to forcibly remove the United Kingdom from Europe within the next few days. Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for MI5, told DeadBrain in a hushed voice, "We have received information from our agents that members of the terrorist organisation known as UKIP are planning an attack on Britain's position in the EU. Due to budget cuts we don't know when, where or how the attack will take place, but we're pretty damned scared and we thought we'd pass that along."
The UKIP terrorists – who wish to be known as the "Axis of Reasonably Horrible But Not Totally Evil Because That Won't Win Us Seats" – could attack Britain's position on several fronts. The Channel Tunnel was seen as a likely target, but the terrorists are thought to have discounted that idea due to resistance from the crowds of asylum seekers protecting the French side.
According to defence analyst Dr Gregory T Mullet, who works at Dudley University and McDonalds, an attack using giant hovercraft is more likely. Speaking from the drive through counter via a poor-quality intercom system, Dr Mullet said, "One method that has not been tried before is to attach a number of extremely large hovercraft to the landmass and then try to pull it away from the continent. Of course, you might leave one or two stragglers like the Isle of Man behind, but at least it's a start."
DeadBrain tried to contact a member of UKIP for a comment, but unfortunately they were all on a shopping trip to Paris. It is not yet clear where UKIP would like to move the UK to, with some suggestions being a mooring off the coast of Iceland, an allotment in Australia or "near America", an idea that's apparently particularly popular with Tony Blair.
Go on, have a look at this...
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