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Website denies job cuts
27 Mar 2002
Amid rumours of job cuts, budget cuts and paper cuts, award-winning yet still incredibly modest news satire website DeadBrain today tried to reassure the general public that it wasn't completely dead yet. Speaking through a loudhailer attached to the top of his minibus, PR Director Gregory T Mullet shouted at anybody who walked near him, "Don't panic, we are alive! It wasn't us, it was him! Yes, him, him HIM!" Mr Mullet them proceeded to run up to one unfortunate passer-by and point at a bulging red spot on his nose.
It is not yet clear who spiked Mr Mullet's morning coffee, but a spokesman for DeadBrain did tell us that any job cuts would be "kept to a minimum". "They would have to be, I suppose," he mused. "I mean it's not like we have an army of people working for us or anything." Lt. Col. Douglas Ramsbottom, DeadBrain's senior military strategist, declined to comment on the situation.
Business analysts, who due to their ever-increasing number may in fact be genetically-modified cucumbers, expect that any job losses at the website will be "small and entirely irrelevant". "In fact," a man in an expensive suit told us, "they're probably only banging on about it because it's Easter and all the politicians are on holiday."
Look at this, moron.
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