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Tories "to be privatised"
6 Mar 2002
A Conservative Party insider has revealed that it is considering privatising some of its key functions. Douglas Ramsbottom, a senior political advisor who only spoke to DeadBrain on the condition that his name would be kept out of it and we paid him lots of money, is likely to be disappointed on both accounts, but did say the following: "Iain has come to realise that it really isn't necessary for him to turn up for debates and the like in the Commons. I mean let's face it; he's crap at them anyway. If these new plans come into effect, his responsibilities will be delegated, leaving him to get on with the most important part of shadowing the Prime Minister – flying off around the world every five minutes."
The government may soon follow suit. It has been rumoured that the Prime Minister is keen to get the private sector in to take control of some non-essential parts of the government, such as John Prescott. However, doubts have been expressed over the private sector's willingness to invest in such a risky project.
Analysts, meanwhile, have been quick to comment on the news, and on any mispronunciations of their job titles, calling the plans "irresponsible", "childish" and "extremely newsworthy". Dr Gregory T Mullet, a necessarily well-spoken analyst working for research firm Cox, Booker and Liquor, told DeadBrain very little of use, but did mumble that the Liberal Democrats are "quite frankly too small to bother privatising, and might as well be left as they are – however that is."
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