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Website under investigation
15 May 2002
Pleasantly fragrant news satire website "DeadBrain" today confirmed that it is being investigated by the Czechoslovakian Fraud Squad. Gregory T Mulletovich, the officer leading the investigation, told journalists a number of important details about the case, but unfortunately we couldn't understand a word he was saying. We did, however, pick up several rude hand gestures.
A spokesman for DeadBrain, who was completely unrecognisable as Douglas Ramsbottom because of the false moustache and glasses he was wearing, was seen lurking in a Birmingham street this afternoon. "It wasn't me," he whispered from behind an upside-down copy of El Mundo. "But I heard on the grapevine that some people have been doing things they shouldn't."
Mr Ramsbottom's long-lost cousin, Douglas Ramsbottom, coincidentally chose today to re-emerge from the hole in which he has been hiding for the last three years. Immediately taking up work as official spokesman from now slightly sweaty news satire website "DeadBrain", he was eager to tell us everything he knew about the Czechoslovakian Fraud Squad's investigation. Unfortunately, since he has been hiding in a hole for the last three years, he had little to add to Mr Mulletovich's earlier statement.
Late this afternoon when your faithful correspondent was about to give up for the day and go home (about 2pm), Mr Mulletovich called up. After realising that our news hotline is not an adult chat line, he told us in English more perfect than John Prescott's about his investigation.
"I can confirm that the website is being investigated for producing fraudulent search engine results. When a user performs a search, only links to your own pages are returned. This is clearly quite unfair to other websites."
It is not yet clear why this is unfair, or why it is anything to do with the Czechoslovakian Fraud Squad, but a spokesman for the now distinctly smelly website was at last able to make a sensible comment: "Who gives a shit?"
Hey, look at this!
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