| ||Killer parasites attack Britain
8 Aug 2002
Panic is sweeping across Britain this week after killer parasites were discovered in several different parts of the country. As yet the incidents seem to be unconnected and scientists say they were caused by a variety of circumstances, including the recent summery weather.
Tabloid newspapers have done their bit to calm the nation's fears, however. The Daily Mail led with "Killer bugs: Nobody is safe", the Express had the even more cheery "We're all doomed", while The Sun had "Exclusive nude pictures of top models".
Popular hate figures including traffic wardens, lawyers and Carol Smiley immediately leapt up to defend themselves, insisting that they are not parasitic and were actually here already.
The government has taken emergency measures in light of the outbreaks. Key cabinet ministers have been relocated to special control centres in the south of France, the Bahamas and "in her caravan". Meanwhile, noticeably sunburnt news satire website "DeadBrain" has returned from holiday "on time and at a leisurely pace" to provide in-depth coverage of more interesting news stories.
Oi, down here!