| | SPECIAL REPORT: Tory leader to step down, become "slayer"
13 Sep 2002
The Conservative leader, Iain Duncan Smith, today announced his intention to "take a back seat" in the running of the party in order to pursue his "true calling". The surprise news came on the day Mr Duncan Smith was set to celebrate his first anniversary of leading the party with "jelly and ice-cream".
In a speech earlier today, Mr Duncan Smith explained his move. "In every generation there is a chosen one," he said, attempting a particularly menacing voice with little success. "He alone will stand against Labour, the Liberals and the forces of Ann Widdecombe. I am the chosen one: I am the slayer."
From early next year, Mr Duncan Smith will relinquish the title of "leader" and move to a newly created post: "Leader and chief slayer of the Conservative Party". Commentators predict that the new role will involve similar tasks to those performed by the fictional television character "Buffy", including slaying evil forces, beating up people with malformed heads and coming out with Richard Whitely-style witty remarks at inappropriate moments.
Warming to his audience of eight and a half political journalists, two security guards and a tangerine, Mr Duncan Smith continued by spouting a torrent of irrelevant sexual innuendo and running around the stage whilst waving a sawn-off axe above his head. Taking off his jacket to reveal a ridiculously low-cut top, Mr Duncan Smith proceeded to perform several back flips, karate-chop an advisor who got too close and fall over his podium to reveal his specially implanted breasts to a cameraman who was promptly sick.
Reaction to Mr Duncan Smith's departure has, meanwhile, been mixed. "I can't believe he's going!" gushed one distraught teenage fan about someone else entirely. "I'm going to miss his long, flowing brown hair and his rock-solid singing voice more than you can ever imagine. He's been such a big part of my life for so long, I think he genuinely touched every one of us."
Mr Duncan Smith's advisors were keen to point out to us that those allegations were never proved.
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