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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · John Prescott |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 7th January |
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| SPECIAL REPORT: Activists strike "rogue" GM beanstalk 19 Sep 2002 by Alex A small village in the West Midlands became the centre of a political storm yesterday after more than 20 activists representing the militant "Genetic Food Alarm" group committed a mass trespass and crop destruction action at a privately run GM test centre. Protesters launched themselves on the farm, near the village of Cleobury Mortimer, using woodcutting axes to chop down a 250ft beanstalk. "We're here today to highlight the fact that unlicensed genetically modified crops are being grown in the British countryside whilst the public remain unaware of both their presence and the potential health risk!" announced an excitable Gregory T Mullet, the local organiser of the GFA. Farming minister Elliot Morley has ordered an investigation after rogue beans were found to have been contaminated by a trial of genetically modified rapeseed crops. "It's pretty damn hard to hide a 250ft beanstalk that's so tall its top reaches the clouds around Clee Hill," stated the farmer responsible for the trial, who wished to be identified only as "Jack". "But honestly, I didn't know what I was getting into. I was on my way to market to sell the last surviving dairy cow in Shropshire but remembered it had been closed down after foot and mouth last year. Then I met this scientist bloke in the road who convinced me to swap my cow for some amazing 'magic beans' he had in his hat that he said would produce a 'surprisingly large yield'. It seemed like a good deal, but when I got home and showed them to my mother she was very upset and threw them out of the window into the rapeseed field. Next morning this bloody great monstrosity appeared. At first everything was great and we made pots of money, but the paperwork was a nightmare." There have been 25 reported abuses of GM licenses since 1998, including the propagation of a crop of oversized peas the size of a Seat Ibiza at the national horticultural gardens, and the "accidental" release of triffids in Basingstoke town centre. Monsternato Group, a leading agri-business organisation in the production of GM beans, denied claims of deliberate cross-pollination. At a press conference this morning, a spokesman said that the risk of gigantism as a result of GM trials was minimal, adding that reported sightings of angry-looking giants demanding their genetically modified golden egg-laying geese back were "wildly exaggerated". The press conference was later abandoned after eco-activist Douglas Ramsbottom demanded to know "just what the hell is that over there", pointing to a large prone figure lying next to the severed beanstalk. The Jolly Green Giant was unavailable for comment.
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