| | News story found alive in natural habitat
11 Oct 2002 by Alex
Journalists and editors have today been expressing "shock and disbelief" after an amateur newspaper reader spotted an item of news within the pages of the tabloid press. The sighting came almost two decades after the species is thought to have been made extinct in its natural habitat.
Regular tabloid reader Douglas Ramsbottom was sitting on the staff toilet at L&G Associated Print Works in Sculthorpe having a mid morning cigarette and peruse of his daily redtop when his keen eyesight picked out the 1¾ square inch story half-buried on page 34. "At first no-one believed me, and for a little while I thought I was going a little mad myself," he said. "But as soon as I saw it I knew what it was.
"When I was a young lad, my dad and I would get up very early every Sunday morning and go hunting for papers at the local newsagents. Back then news items were still relatively common, it was before the days that their natural habitats were destroyed by the celebrity puff pieces and toxic attacks that dominate their environment these days."
News items had been placed on the United Nations Endangered List after being hunted to extinction levels in the tabloids by the early 1980s. Until Mr Ramsbottom's remarkable discovery, they were thought to now only exist in small numbers in little-known special reservations called "broadsheets".
Enthusiasts, known colloquially as "twatchers", have been gathering in their tens throughout the day to gaze in awe at the 4-line article which was printed below a full-page item about a minor pop celebrity and her new car, immediately preceded by a story relating to a soap star's battle with alcoholism which was competing for space with a vitriolic attack on a popular radio presenter and a photostory entitled "Jane's Office Lust" that squeezed between a skateboarding Bin Laden look-alike jack terrier and possibly the most irritating society shite ever written by anybody with the name Matthew Parris. And Kylie's arse.
David Yelland was today unavailable for comment, which can only be a good thing, all things considered.
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