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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Tony Blair |
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| You just spat on: Home > News | 6th September |
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 Duncan Smith announces solution to Northern Ireland problem 20 Oct 2002 The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, announced the solution to all of Northern Ireland's problems yesterday. In a move that surprised many, the widely respected Mr Duncan Smith revealed the answers to questions that have haunted politicians in Northern Ireland and Westminster for decades, including how to stop terrorist groups, how to keep the peace and how not to laugh at Ian Paisley's speeches. "The solution is clear and the solution is simple," said Mr Duncan Smith in his strong, statesman-like voice, coughing violently between words. "We must throw Sinn Fein out of their offices at Westminster. They have no right to be there (apart from that whole election thing) and they are just getting in the way. I believe that as soon as Gerry Adams and his friends are out of their offices we will have peace in our time." Already Mr Duncan Smith's speech is having far-reaching consequences. The Real IRA, who carried out the Omagh bombing, is reportedly split and discussing a ceasefire, while the Conservative "leader" has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize along with Britney Spears. Several hospitals have been renamed in Mr Duncan Smith's honour, a small Caribbean country has proclaimed IDS as its god and the UN Secretary-General, Kofi Annan, has offered to step aside to allow "the great man to be a further force for good". Meanwhile, reacting to Mr Duncan Smith's speech, Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams said, "You can stick your offices up your -". Iain Duncan Smith was unavailable for further comment. Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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