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Battle for Survival

Tories plot rail sabotage
The Conservatives announced new plans to improve the country's rail system today. Speaking at their annual tea party in Bournemouth, Shadow Transport Secretary Tim Collins said that the UK could have railways "as good as the French ones" within a year.

Britain's rail network is currently in the hands of Network Rail, a not-for-profit organisation set up following the collapse of Railtrack. Without renationalising the railways, which would be expensive, or reprivatising them, which would probably bugger them up again, it's hard to see what alternative there is, but the Tories say they have the answer.

"We're not going to improve our railways," was the surprising response from Mr Collins. "That would be far too difficult for us. No, we're going to break the French railways instead. The Conservative Party has experience in this area of transport policy, so we know it can be done, and in my opinion it's the only way ours will ever be at the same standard as theirs."

Under the new proposals, crack teams of Tory Special Forces loyal to the party leadership (i.e. IDS, has mate Stan and a pensioner from Worcester) will be despatched to the continent with "high explosives, pick axes and back-issues of the Tory manifesto" to "advise" French authorities on how to run their railways.

Labour, of course, immediately condemned the new strategy. "You, the electorate, cannot let the Tories get away with sabotaging the French railways!" yelled a frustrated Health Secretary, Alan Milburn. "Not only is it completely illegal, but we need them to send ill people to hospital on!"

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