| | Shock research: Al Gore "discovered America"
9 Oct 2002
Historians around the world reacted with surprise last night after it was revealed that Christopher Columbus was not the first person to discover America. An extensive investigation by amateur cartographers led to the conclusion that it was not Columbus who arrived in America first, as popularly believed, nor was it Portuguese or Chinese explorers, but Al Gore.
Former Vice President and presidential candidate Gore is already famous for making important discoveries and inventions. According to popular legend, it was Mr Gore who created the Internet in the 1970s, along with making the first radio transmission in 1901 and "finding the remote control down the back of the sofa last week". Unsurprisingly, though, historians say that the latest addition to Mr Gore's collection is probably the most important yet.
Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, who led the investigation, told DeadBrain that he was surprised by his findings. "At first I couldn't believe it," said the Santa Clara University expert, "but when you think about it it makes perfect sense. I mean really, it's not very likely that Columbus and co sailed half way across the world just to plant a flag in some soil. This was like the Middle Ages or something ? they didn't even have proper ferries then. No, it must have been Al Gore ? it's the only logical explanation."
Some researchers, however, think that Mr Gore's discoveries may go much further. "There is a lot of evidence that Al Gore discovered Australia as well," said Dr Gregory T Mullet at a book signing this afternoon. "I've also heard from people who say it was Al Gore, not Captain Oates, who went for that long walk at the South Pole and I have real photo evidence that he set fire to the infamous 'burning bush'. All the facts support the theory that Al Gore is in fact God!"
Despite the evidence, not everyone agrees with Dr Mullet. In a surprising move, officials at the White House released a statement this evening disputing Mr Gore's discoveries. "The President and his advisors are not convinced that Mr Gore was the first to discover the United States of America," it said. "We will be applying for a recount by the appropriate authorities as soon as possible. The opinion of this administration is that it was George W Columbus, a distant cousin of the President, who 'discovered' our great country. Al Gore is a lying git."
Al Gore remains modest over the claims, though. A spokesman for His Holiness told DeadBrain that He is currently spending time in his temple "drinking the blood of young virgin girls and watching porn on cable TV". "Mr Gore will neither confirm or deny allegations that he was, among other things, the first to the South Pole," he said. "However, I can confirm that Mr Gore is a big fan of Oates Porridge."
Simon says look at this...
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