| | Fire strike: Army won't respond to burning underpants
13 Nov 2002
The prison service is on special alert tonight as the fire service goes on strike. High-profile prisoners like Jeffrey Archer are being kept "bound and gagged, but especially gagged" for fear of fires starting in cells. The army's aging green goddesses, last put into action 25 years ago, lack the specialist equipment to cope with burning underpants, so prison officers have decided to be proactive.
Elsewhere in the country, police have placed former Transport Secretary Stephen Byers in protective custody for fear he might speak and cause another fire. A previous incident in the House of Commons caused several thousands of pounds worth of damage and took over 50 fire-fighters to put out.
The number of fire extinguishers have meanwhile been doubled in several key government departments, Alistair Campbell has gone on gardening leave and a potential disaster was averted earlier today when the Queen outlined the government's plans for this parliament while wearing a fire-proof suit.
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