| | NHS to undergo patient bypass surgery
22 Dec 2002
The National Health Service is to undergo major surgery, the government announced last night. According to an impromptu press conference held by Health Secretary Alan Milburn "before he went to the office party", the NHS has been haemorrhaging patients for decades. "The flow of patients has now reached critical levels," he said, clutching a bad of party poppers. "If we don't act soon there could be serious consequences. We must restructure immediately."
Plans released this morning show that the government wishes to "cut patients out of the loop completely". From next year, many hospitals will operate without patients, which, the plans say, will allow them to be "cleaner and more efficient". Douglas Ramsbottom, a consultant at Hull Royal Infirmary, told DeadBrain that the plans "made sense". "I have no hesitation in concurring with these proposals," he said. "Patients have been getting in the way of my work for a long time and, quite frankly, they make the place untidy. We'd be better off without them."
Patients' groups were initially unimpressed with the plans, which mean all those without private health insurance will be unable to get treatment, but a government spokesman reassured them that "the service will not get any worse than it is now".
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