News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Jacques Chirac
DeadBrain: Daily news satire, spoof, parody and humour
  You have come across: Home > News11th February 
  Home 
  Features 
  News 
 Home
 Archive
  News in Brief 
  Propaganda 
  Swag 

Today on DeadBrain:
Premiership footballers to take gender tests
Britain closed indefinitely due to snow
Car crime statistics stolen from minister's car
Mugabe banned from playing cricket in UK
Call centres go on strike; robot overlords one step closer to domination
Ia splits from Serb in latest Balkan separation

Get DeadBrain:
 ...in your email
 ...on your desktop
 ...on your phone
 ...on your site
 ...more...
Search DeadBrain:

Site News:
Huge party to celebrate DeadBrain's fifth birthday
DeadBrain overhauls corporate structure
DeadBrain adds "smart links" technology
Disable popup ads
Writers wanted
Free toolbar download
More site news...

 
News in Depth
Christmas 2002

10 long-overdue resolutions for your friends
31 Dec 2002 by the cleaners

 Today is not only New Year's Eve but the editor's birthday, so no proper updates today. Instead, everyone here at DeadBrain would like to wish you a very happy New Year and present for your viewing pleasure some long-overdue resolutions for your friends, courtesy of our friend Dr Vagner.
  • Stop the itching and find a better ointment.
  • Remove the ever-so-expanding belly tattoo or start doing sit-ups.
  • End last year's "become a vegetarian" resolution and buy yourself a burger.
  • Find a cheaper dentist or remove the tongue bar.
  • Get a job, get an apartment, and stop referring to your parents' basement as your "crib".
  • Please break up the band.
  • Come to grips with the fact that it wasn't cheap gold that turned the panties green. Remove the ring from your genitals and see a doctor.
  • Eliminate the words "dude" and "awesome" from your vocabulary.
  • Daily showering. It is good hygiene.
  • Cease and desist the porn.
Happy New Year!

Related articles
10 long-overdue resolutions for your friends
31 Dec 2002
 Imprisoned Santa-spotters released by Greek authorities
29 Dec 2002
 Virgin Trains celebrates Christmas Day
28 Dec 2002
 Church to postpone Christmas Day for EastEnders
24 Dec 2002
Look at this, moron.

Bookmark | Comment | Print | Send to a friend

   DEADhost - A DeadBrain project
   In Depth
The asylum crisis in Britain
After Saddam
IDS: Battle for survival
   Archive
Donald Rumsfeld's private diaries uncovered
   Sponsors
UK Student News
Free email updates:



Copyright ©2001-2006 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently.Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep