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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Iain Duncan Smith |
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| You are hovering over: Home > News | 11th February |
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 Bush to receive Saddam's school reports 7 Dec 2002 President Bush is set to receive Saddam Hussein's school reports within the next 24 hours, ahead of tomorrow's UN deadline. Political analysts are still unclear why the White House so badly wants to see what Saddam's teachers wrote about him several decades ago, but a source close to President Bush told us that he wanted to "cover every possibility". "There could be some significant evidence about Saddam Hussein's plans for weapons of mass destruction in his old schoolwork," he said. "We've got to cover every possibility. George does some of his best planning with his wax crayons and a pad of paper." Our man in Iraq, Gregory al Mullet, risked his life to gain access to Saddam's old school reports, which were kept under lock and key beneath one of his presidential palaces. He told us this morning that they contained "a few surprises". "Saddam was particularly bad at home economics," he said. "His teacher wrote in one of his end-of-year reports: 'Saddam is incapable of using an ironing board and is never happy unless he has burnt whatever food he is preparing to a crisp and hidden it somewhere. Could do much better.'" The Iraqi dictator fared better in geography. "Saddam has an excellent knowledge of people and what he likes to call 'hiding' places in Iraq and abroad. Despite the fact that he persists in drawing little red crosses and tombstones on our maps, he is an able student who will go far." In chemistry, though, Saddam appears to have been a troublemaker. "Despite repeated warnings, Saddam continues to use our labs to develop explosive devices that he throws through the English department's windows. One student received shrapnel wounds and he almost blinded our librarian. One of my colleagues caught him in the biology rooms last week trying to make what he called 'suicide rat bombers'. I have had no option but to expel this disruptive and dangerous influence from my lessons until he calms down." Related articles Bush beats Republican Guard after Florida recount 18 Apr 2003 Bush attempt to play snap with Iraq's most wanted cards fails 17 Apr 2003 US troops find weapons of Mass Disruption 16 Apr 2003 UK: Syria not next on list for invasion 15 Apr 2003 Pentagon to release Iraq sticker album 15 Apr 2003 Iraq Information Minister awarded comedy BAFTA award 14 Apr 2003 Rumsfeld: There's nothing wrong with a bit of looting 11 Apr 2003 US to ship in crowds of cheering people for Iraq victory celebrations 10 Apr 2003 Iraq information minister to release single 9 Apr 2003 Iraqis deploy shoes of mass destruction 9 Apr 2003 Rumsfeld: Saddam may use WMDs after death 7 Apr 2003 U.S. bombs BBC World Affairs Editor 6 Apr 2003 Baghdad airport captured, tourists expected in weeks 4 Apr 2003 Iraq gun amnesty unsuccessful 3 Apr 2003 Iraq complains of illegal American tactics 1 Apr 2003 Iraqis unimpressed by U.S. replacement for state television 28 Mar 2003 Bush bored with Iraq, declares war on France 27 Mar 2003 U.S. bombs "strategically-important" market 26 Mar 2003 Powell to sell Iraq reconstruction rights on eBay 24 Mar 2003 US to wipe out entire UK armed forces by end 2004 23 Mar 2003 War a ratings winner - better than EastEnders, say fans 22 Mar 2003 Bush achieves war aim #1: Iraq located and bombed 21 Mar 2003 Allied forces encounter "wrong kind of sand" 20 Mar 2003 Shock and awe display not that shocking or awe-inspiring 20 Mar 2003
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