| | Drug barons launch "Fair Dealer" heroin
8 Dec 2002 by Alex
The International Association of Drug Dealers announced plans today to introduce a new ethical service for opiate users throughout Europe.
Speaking at the trade conference "NarCon", held at the Jolly Dutchman Café in Amsterdam, General Secretary Gregory T Mullered officially launched new "Fair Dealer" heroin. The new brand is set to compliment the existing product of Asian cartel produced brown which is so, so readily available on the streets of Britain today.
"This gear," he mumbled, "will represent some of the highest standards in psychoactive substances an' shit. It's, uh, yeah. And, yeah, and it's all produced by small, local farming communities and they like get all the green that's coming to them, no rip offs and whatever. So it's cool. We don't have any middlemen like fat cat types in on this one; it's strictly small scale, rewarding the people who, er, like actually do all the work to grow the stuff. It's really friendly, y'know? Like think of small kids playing happy in the sun and the dirt, smiling peasants in the fields, er, clean water in the wells and maybe some well fed donkeys or camels or whatever and that's the kind of thing we're aiming for here".
Mr Mullered went on to say that although the ethical skag was a little more expensive than standard H, this horse gave the user a sense of having done some good when handing over the contents of an old lady's handbag to some geezer on the corner of crack alley. "Shit," he added after a second's reflection, wearing a distant smile and with a tear in his eye.
Personal testimony was provided via a live satellite link to a small village at an undisclosed location in the Helmand Valley of Southern Afghanistan, near the Pakistani border. Village elder Mushtaq Shatarwat described how his people were being lifted out of destitution through the generosity of the world's drug addicts. "Just two short years ago we were scraping by, earning a meagre hand-to-mouth existence producing good Afghan Black Hashish for the backpacker market in the Indian subcontinent," he explained. "But now thanks to Fair Dealer Heroin my brothers can at last afford a fleet of Toyota Landcruisers and an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons for, er, home defence purposes. Allah be praised for the foolishness of our infidel bretherin!"
Jack Straw's son is 21.
This looks good...
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