| | EXCLUSIVE: UK government's use of weapons of mass boredom revealed
17 Jan 2003
The government is in disarray tonight after an investigation for DeadBrain revealed sensational details about Labour's secret programme for creating "weapons of mass boredom".
Douglas Ramsbottom, the private investigator who led the search, told us that he was "absolutely shocked" and "very worried" about his discovery. "Who knows what could happen if the government decided to use these weapons of mass boredom," he panicked. "They could bore us all senseless. They could turn people off politics completely! Just imagine the effect that would have on democracy!"
In a shocking development, DeadBrain can reveal that not only has the government already used these weapons on its own people, but has even handed some of them over to other political parties. Early analysis suggests that the Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, has used weapons of mass boredom on "everyone", while Liberal Democrats leader Charles Kennedy accidentally exposed himself to the harmful toxins contained within them and got bored of politics altogether. Worryingly, he even failed to make his usual appearance at Prime Minister's Question Time this week.
However, Professor Gregory T Mullet, a world-renowned expert in boring people, told us that there was nothing to be alarmed about. "There's nothing to be alarmed about," he assured us, adding: "Look, I'm bored, can't we talk about something else?"
Reaction from the government was decisive. "The government speaks with one voice and that voice is mine," said the Prime Minister's official spokesman, Alistair Campbell, "and quite frankly I'm not interested."
Hey, look at this!
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