| | Holy shit, we're all going to die (again) – but don't panic
12 Feb 2003
The entire population of the United Kingdom is at imminent risk of being brutally annihilated, the government announced today. "Britain is now facing a disaster on the same scale as the BBC's Fame Academy and it is quite likely that we will all either meet a violent and terrible death within the next few days or be forced to sing dodgy cover songs on live TV!" gasped Labour Party Chairman Dr John Reid. "If you don't support the war... I mean if you're not scared by now I don't know what else I can say!"
Backing him up, Home Secretary David Blunkett said that we were "all doomed" and "death for all is guaranteed within a week". When questioned further he insisted that that was a commitment, not a pledge.
However, as the army surrounds major UK airports and fighter jets patrol the skies, the government has requested that people remain calm. "Just because we think terrorists are about to blow up Heathrow it doesn't mean we need to close it down or stop people going near it or anything," Mr Blunkett continued. "Yes, we're all going to die in the very near future, but that's no reason to shut down the world's busiest airport. I mean come on, be reasonable."
Meanwhile, in the United States, the Bush administration has recommended people follow the advice of Blue Peter and stock up on basic supplies like sticky-back plastic, used toilet rolls, missile defence systems, wood stoves and drums for collecting rain water in case the country is attacked. "This is not scare-mongering," a spokesman protested. "It is quite clear the benefits sticky-back plastic and wood stoves have in protecting against a terrorist attack."
Officials have appealed for the public not to stay calm.
Simon says look at this...
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