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| You are misplaced along with: Home > News | 11th February |
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| easyJet boss arrested on terrorism charges 20 Feb 2003 by Nick Sigley The multi-millionaire chairman of easyGroup, Stelios Haji-Ioannou, has today been transferred from casualty to the cuckoo's nest after allegedly boarding a flight to Gatwick airport with a "rocket in his pocket". After deplaning the easyJet 737, the tycoon, dressed in an orange tuxedo, turned round to a crowd of travellers, security officials, lawyers and a camera crew and made this announcement: "Hi, I'm Stelios from easyJet, and I've got a rocket in my pocket and this week…" He was stopped mid-speech however when he was electrocuted and severely beaten by security officials, concerned about the final destination of his impromptu sermon. War of Words? The proclamation by the olive-skinned Athenian prompted an immediate order of "tanks, troops and Bruce Willis" to the evacuated airport at the behest of the Prime Minister. Some 17,000 troops were called in, and Willis appeared in not one, but two vests. Mr. Blair denied that this was an overreaction, stating that, "although links between Mr. Haji-Ioannou and Saddam Hussein cannot be proven, or even taken seriously, we must not forget that this is a man who used weapons of mass destruction on his own people, who has been ignoring the United Nations for years and [continues ad nauseum.]" Three people were immediately arrested in connection with the incident and detained under the Terrorism Act. They were later released when it emerged that they were not named Mahomet, and had in fact been following Haji-Ioannou to the passport control by mere coincidence. Worries in case of terrorist strike, or indeed, any kind of strike at all, were heightened when flaws in the airport defence system emerged. It transpired that some of the tanks were in fact fire engines with wrapping-paper tubes taped to the ladders. The explanation for this was that the fire services were covering for the armed services, which were busy defending the nation from terrorist attack from the Gulf. Fire Brigades Union boss Andy Gilchrist was delighted to help: "Like we told you, it wouldn't be the army first to the airport, or John Prescott! It would be us!" Free Market Madness! 36-year-old Stelios came off life-support this evening following the upgrade of his condition from "critical" to, in his own words, "bright, breezy, bubbly and buoyant". Nevertheless, after making hospital bed assertions about moving the easy brand into Internet-based space exploration, he was re-diagnosed as "barmy" and confined to a straightjacket. Stelios' marketing strategies have in recent times been thought of as idiosyncratic. Only last year he was found, confused and in a Royal Mail commercial, admitting to the superfluity of some of easyJet's more otiose gimmicks. Fellow CEO, Sir Richard Branson, dressed as an olive press for the launch of his new Virgin Extra Virgin Olive Oil and Virgin Virgin Olive Oil in a Can was scathing in an attack of his rival: "The loveable billionaire has a responsibility to the customer - not to making flights so cheap that any terrorist could get a ticket!" easyGroup and its Chairman are also troubled by the lawsuit presented to it by the RIAA, representing megaliths such as Sony, EMI and Virgin Records. The music industry are concerned at what they believe to be easyJet's exploitation of the consumer by resisting the modernisation of the airline industry: "Look at the travel shops that sell easyJet flights from £15 to Nepal or wherever. It is the most expensive way of transcending real estate in the world; it stores people on planes gathering dust and then there's the cost of the logistics. It would be far cheaper and far more convenient to allow the consumer to download their destination." However, trials of software by Microsoft allowing destinations to be downloaded onto a Pocket PC ended in failure after it crashed repeatedly. "Regular crashes are not good for business in the travel industry," a spokesman explained.
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