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| You have trodden in: Home > News | 21st May |
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 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003 by Nick Sigley Shadow Desperation Minister, the Rt. Hon. Geoffrey O'Sleaze, last tonight revealed that spoons have recently been used to save "hundreds of Tory votes". The shocking revelation has arisen out of the tribunal of sacked Tory Michael Portillo who, when offered the chance to campaign with a Spoon, castigated the decision as "ridiculous" and hurled himself onto the floor screaming. Mr O'Sleaze claimed, however, that spoons are "far from ridiculous". The spoon in question, known to spin-doctors as an Iain Dunking Spoon, was presented to the tribunal today. "The Dunking Spoon under consideration," explained Mr O'Sleaze, "would undoubtedly have continued to be of use to us Tories, had Mr. Portillo not been so crass as to have dragged it through the dirt." Other Tory MPs, including shadowy war minister, Anthony Blair, have come out in favour of Dunking Spoon, likening Mr. Portillo's attack to that of the unsuccessful challenge by the Tetley Tea Bag to the Samovar in the early part of the century. After being jarred in the head, he hastened to add that the voters were simply no longer interested in hearing how dire a state the Tories were in: "It is clear from the complete lack of interest shown by you people, and the general public, that what you want to hear about is policy." When later quizzed about policy, Mr. Blair muttered something about "the peacenik press" and their "distortion of the facts". Mr. Portillo's most vitriolic comments, however, were that Iain Dunking Spoon had been surrounded by obsequious teaspoons and thimbles who, like Dunking Spoon, claimed to believe in Section 28, the flogging of slaves and the shooting of Hip Hop performers: "You don't look like a tall spoon if you surround yourself with small glasses; all this whilst prolific and revered modernisers, such as my most august and esteemed friend, Michael Portillo, are excluded from the Shadow Cutlery Drawer!" Furthermore, Mr. Portillo went so far as to suggest that the Tories' flamboyant chairwoman, Theresa May - whose renowned predilection for leopard-skin lingerie and rallying cry of "Unite and Die" had been seen as a sign of a Conservative renaissance – was about to be sacked. Mrs. May, who was operating from a sleeping bag situated on the abandoned Central Line, denied that there was a rift between her and Dunking Spoon: "I just came here to get some peace, dammit! My job is safe. Dunking Spoons are safe in the hands of professional spin-doctors, as is my job. What the country really wants to know is, "why is Britain's Lingerie Service in such a dismal state?" Nevertheless, other Tories were keen to back Portillo's rebellion. The MP for Toffington-Crescent, Tim Slime, remarked: "If you cannot pick up a seat with a Spoon, then it clearly isn't strong enough, and should be replaced by me or my good friend Michael." Iain Dunking Spoon said nothing about Mr. Portillo's allegations, but he was quick to laugh off reports that he was "meaningless, dull and boring" as "meaningless, dull and boring." Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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