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Battle for Survival

Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors
The Conservative Party is again in turmoil today, amid allegations of open warfare on the backbenches and dissent within the shadow cabinet. The Conservative "leader", General Iain Duncan Smith, was sighted this morning taking cover in a small cupboard inside Parliament wearing a tin hat, but later laughed off any suggestion of internal squabbles. "Ha, ha, ha," he said forcefully. "Yes, very funny. There are no squabbles inside the party. They are perfectly visible for you to see on the outside."

Mr Duncan Smith's archenemy, Captain Michael Portaloo, publicly picked a fight with his leader on Friday, warning him not to try to hide behind "short grasses". "They won't offer you much protection," he added, firing his catapult repeatedly at Mr Duncan Smith.

Meanwhile, the Shadow Defence Secretary, Bernard Jenkin, has announced that United Nations weapons inspectors are to be sent in to Conservative Central Office. "By sending the weapons inspectors in we aim to prove once and for all that our members do not have weapons," he explained. "If they don't have weapons they can't be a threat and if there's no threat there can't be open warfare."

A spokesman for the government welcomed the announcement, but added that the last part "wasn't strictly true".

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