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| You are misplaced along with: Home > News | 11th February |
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| FBI: British pensioner actually responsible for every crime ever committed 1 Mar 2003 A British pensioner accused of being an international fraudster, Osama bin Laden and the gunman on the grassy knoll is actually responsible for every crime ever committed, the FBI announced today. Using complicated computer reconstructions and brain scans the FBI claims to have discovered evidence that proves once and for all that Derek Bond, a 72-year-old member of Bristol rotary club, is the world's worst criminal mastermind. "Remember the Washington sniper last year?" asked an FBI press officer. "Well that was Derek Bond. And those kids that went missing in 1986? That was him, too. And as for shooting Abe Lincoln – well that was him as well. We've suspected it for a long time but it's taken us ‘till now to prove it." A list posted on the FBI's web site shows that they believe Mr Bond to have committed over two billion crimes in the United States alone since he came across with the first settlers in 1565. However, the extent of Mr Bond's alleged wrongdoings could be much wider. Police from countries around the world now wish to talk to Mr Bond on suspicion of carrying out vast numbers of crimes in their own countries. "The offences we think Derek Bond has committed range across time and space," said a spokesman for French police. "These vary from several pre-Revolution assassination attempts to the theft of a quantity of baguettes from a van in Rouen last week. We know he says that he was in a South African jail cell at the time, but he can't prove that. We know where he was really: Mr Bond is a master of deception and a very dangerous criminal." Because of the seriousness of some of his crimes, the FBI have requested that Mr Bond be transferred to Guantanamo Bay "for his own and everybody else's safety", branding him as "a menace to society" in the process. Mr Bond's solicitor meanwhile said his client was considering suing the FBI for "taking the piss". Related articles Bush adds British pensioner to Axis of Evil 2 Mar 2003 FBI: British pensioner actually responsible for every crime ever committed 1 Mar 2003 British pensioner also responsible for shooting JFK, says FBI 28 Feb 2003 FBI arrest British pensioner believed to be Bin Laden 27 Feb 2003
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