 |
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Tony Blair |
|
 |
|
| You just spat on: Home > News | 11th February |
| |
| California sorority gives up abstinence for Lent 4 Mar 2003 by Dr Vagner Enrolment to Berkeley, one of the United States' top universities, has reached an all time high after its Tri Alpha Delta sorority announced it would be giving up abstinence for Lent. Typically known for being a cold, callous, high-strung clique, Tri Alpha Delta is attempting to break out of its mould with an unorthodox approach to the season of Lent. Tiffany McNabb, a Tri Alpha Delta sorority sister, told DeadBrain: "We had a group meeting in February on the subject of stress in college. There's a lot of pressure here: grades, term papers, tuition, bills, and so on. Who really has time to relax? The girls and I unanimously came to a common answer: easy sex is the best stress reliever. We've even come up with a catchy name for our giving up abstinence for Lent function: the ‘Try A Delt' spring fling." However, Student Council and University officials are under increasing pressure from outraged right-wing activists to ban the "Try A Delt" spring fling. The Campus Christian Coalition is leading the way in protest and has planned to petition the abdication of the Tri Alpha Delta charter. "It's outrageous to think that any premarital sexual activity should be promoted. It's hedonistic and blasphemous. They are all sinners and the sorority and their participants are all going to hell," says Jennifer Stills of the CCC. But, contrary to the CCC and its affiliates, most students were in favour of "trying a Delt". Junior Carmen Sanchez comments, "I'm so tired of the pickup lines, the come-ons, the juvenile flirting. I don't enjoy having my time wasted with someone who's neither interesting nor attractive. It's much easier for me to pass out a ‘Try A Delt' flier and tell guys politely to ‘Go Fuck Off!' Literally." Freshman Kevin Hill also remarks, "This is the greatest idea ever. It's difficult enough trying to make it in school. Add the pressure of dating to the stress of school and you're swimming in a cesspool of sleeping disorders, burnout, anxiety and panic attacks, all under an umbrella of anger. Thanks to the Tri Delts, these dysfunctions are alleviated - not to mention I'm going to save so much money!" Amy Smits, a Tri Alpha Delta sister, explains, "Lent is a season of soul-searching, atonement, repentance. What better way to facilitate this process than to help clear as many minds of impure thoughts that cloud and prevent the individual from reflecting and taking stock? You enter here at the Tri Alpha Delta sorority house, you clear your mind of the confusion, and you leave focused, rejuvenated, well adjusted, and with a big smile." Since the announcement of the "Try A Delt" spring fling, Berkeley enrolment has increased by 30 percent and contributions to the Tri Alpha Delta sorority scholarship fund have grown astronomically.
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2001-2006 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep |