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| You are crouching next to: Home > News | 11th February |
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 Blair: Saddam must do his bit for Comic Relief 14 Mar 2003 by Nick Sigley Tony Blair has moved his knights into mate in the propaganda game by outlining six stringent tests to which Saddam Hussein must adhere if he wishes to prevent war. The conditions, including the requirement that Saddam sing the Star Spangled Banner for Comic Relief before admitting live on television that he is the most evil man who ever lived, came hot on the heels of Donald Rumsfeld's diplomatic and fraternal message that: "We don't need anyone's help Gawd-damnit, least of all some mud-puddle with only 40 years of oil, two jets and their hardy-har accents!" Iraq's foreign minister, Maher Q'ill, has described the "Six Tests" as "an insult to the peace-loving paradigm of justice that is Iraq". "Britain and the USA do not believe in democracy," he insisted. "Look at it this way, Blair overturns votes in his parliament, Bush leads his country even though he didn't win his election. My august and provident master won 100% of his election! Singing and music are also a great insult to my leader's religious beliefs. He is a very holy man." Here are those six conditions in full, as we found them floating in a Westminster toilet:
"Of c-course, by-by saying that war should never happen, F-France obviously meant that we must go to war now, that's the way the French speak you see, so that is what we are doing," explained Mr. Straw. "It is extraordinarily wonderful that they have j-j-joined Britain and our friend in democratically doing what we tell them. Now, if everyone else realises that they are wrong, and that they are bound by freedom to go to war, it'll b-be n-nice and legal." Mr. Blair himself was despondent and tearful, lamenting that he "stayed up all night doing those tests!" Related articles Bush beats Republican Guard after Florida recount 18 Apr 2003 Bush attempt to play snap with Iraq's most wanted cards fails 17 Apr 2003 US troops find weapons of Mass Disruption 16 Apr 2003 UK: Syria not next on list for invasion 15 Apr 2003 Pentagon to release Iraq sticker album 15 Apr 2003 Iraq Information Minister awarded comedy BAFTA award 14 Apr 2003 Rumsfeld: There's nothing wrong with a bit of looting 11 Apr 2003 US to ship in crowds of cheering people for Iraq victory celebrations 10 Apr 2003 Iraq information minister to release single 9 Apr 2003 Iraqis deploy shoes of mass destruction 9 Apr 2003 Rumsfeld: Saddam may use WMDs after death 7 Apr 2003 U.S. bombs BBC World Affairs Editor 6 Apr 2003 Baghdad airport captured, tourists expected in weeks 4 Apr 2003 Iraq gun amnesty unsuccessful 3 Apr 2003 Iraq complains of illegal American tactics 1 Apr 2003 Iraqis unimpressed by U.S. replacement for state television 28 Mar 2003 Bush bored with Iraq, declares war on France 27 Mar 2003 U.S. bombs "strategically-important" market 26 Mar 2003 Powell to sell Iraq reconstruction rights on eBay 24 Mar 2003 US to wipe out entire UK armed forces by end 2004 23 Mar 2003 War a ratings winner - better than EastEnders, say fans 22 Mar 2003 Bush achieves war aim #1: Iraq located and bombed 21 Mar 2003 Allied forces encounter "wrong kind of sand" 20 Mar 2003 Shock and awe display not that shocking or awe-inspiring 20 Mar 2003
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