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Dubya's War

Rumsfeld: Saddam may use WMDs after death
US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfield believes that Saddam Hussein, once dead, will be more dangerous than ever.

"We cannot be lulled to sleep by this guy's lack of life," warned Rumsfield today. "We've tracked a lot of noise in recent days hinting that immediately following his death, Hussein will release his hidden weapons of mass destruction which would take a terrible toll on the coalition forces."

While there has been support at the White House for this new position, there has been a severe split within the administration as to when the WMDs will be used. The faction supporting security advisor, Condoleezza Rice, believes that Hussein is readying an even more devious plan.

"We've got some pretty good evidence that Hussein will not hit us right away," said Rice, "but will wait until his body has been fully consumed by maggots and ravenous larva, then with his still growing fingernails reaching their necessary length, he will use them to signal for the release of WMDs and bio-terror."

General Tommy Franks, who has asked reporters to start calling him Tommie, has no love for Hussein, but does admit a grudging respect for his opponent's tactic. "A dead Saddam may be more dangerous than a live one who we're not really sure if he is dead or a body double. This guy is good...but in an evil way."

As far as the location of the WMDs goes, the Bush administration still has no doubt that Iraq possesses the weapons.

"Weren't you at the U.N. when I showed the world evidence of the WMDs?" scolded Secretary of State, Colin Powell. "Just because we have looked in the places we said they are and couldn't find them doesn't mean they aren't there. It has become obvious to me that there is a strong possibility that Saddam has stored these WMDs and bio-weapons inside a schism ripped open in the space-time continuum. We will not rest until we search every black-hole, abyss and macrocosmic void." Added the ever-persistent former general: "Gotta be there someplace."

Questioned on a Fox News report that the smoking gun had been found, Powell quickly refuted the rumour. "A smoking gun was found, but it was just a gun that was smoking," he confirmed.

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz," contributing editor for the WGA's "Written By" magazine, and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press)

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