| | Bush unveils "Northern Iraqland roadmap", US general put in charge
8 Apr 2003
Northern Ireland will be run by a retired US general and its oilfields administered in a UN trust fund for its people, the British, Irish and American governments announced today. Unveiling his "roadmap" for Ireland, President Bush said that the country was standing "at a crossroads". "You can either go forward or you can go back," he said. "There is no other way."
Under the President's plans, which were drawn up in conjunction with Tony Blair and Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, the currently suspended power-sharing executive will be abolished altogether and replaced by a "long-term interim administration", consisting of a retired US general who cannot be named for security reasons, advisers from Downing Street, the Pentagon and the Guinness distillery in Dublin and, according to Mr Bush, "representatives for the shi-its in the north".
Going into further detail on how the province's resources will be looked after, Mr Bush spoke of the "vast riches" Northern Ireland has. "From the oilfields in County Kirkuk to the gold mines in San Ballycastle, Northern Iraqland is a rich country that its people can and must benefit from," he told journalists. "We will employ the United States' top economic advisers who have worked for names like Enron and Xerox to ensure that they are administered properly."
Surprisingly, however, the leaders of the political parties in Northern Ireland are not to be involved and have not even been consulted in the process. "There is a perfectly good reason why they are not involved and that's because they're a bunch of terrorists," argued Mr Bush diplomatically. "I mean look at that David Trimble, he's up to his neck in the IRA. He's not fit to run a country, but our guys… well, they're not violent people. They're ex-military."
The leaders of all parties have united together to condemn Mr Bush's roadmap, the first time any of them have agreed on anything for months. In a joint statement after President Bush had left, Tony Blair and Bertie Ahern smiled knowingly.
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