| | Airlines to scrap carrying passengers over safety fears
20 Apr 2003
Airlines in the United States are to cease carrying passengers on domestic flights after fears over security, it was announced yesterday. Since September 11th 2001 plane operators have been keen to find a way of securing aircraft and the buildings they fly over from terrorist attack, but this latest measure is hoped to be the most effective yet.
"Historically, the vast majority of the threats to the security of our aircraft have come from the people on them," explained American Airlines spokesman, Douglas Ramsbottom. "By doing away with passengers altogether we should eliminate the threat from them, leaving only the threat from the ground. The next logical step is to do away with flying altogether for the ultimate in safety, and that's something we're actively considering."
American Airlines' competitor, Delta, have gone even further, replacing their passengers with a selection of hand grenades, pistols and bazookas, and their crews with former army commandos. "Our flying experience is totally customer-orientated," said press officer Gregory T Mullet. "OK, so there won't be any customers on our planes any more and they will in effect turn into flying weapons arsenals capable of wiping out a small town, but at least it will be safer for the few remaining people on them."
However, passenger organisations have raised doubts about the effectiveness of the new measures. "Those metal doors they put in aren't as thick as they look," said "Basher" Bill McRamsbottom, a former US marine, convicted axe-murderer and typical airline passenger. "I reckon I could knock one down with a couple of shoulder-charges, and then it's just me, the pilot and his rocket-propelled grenades. I know who I'm backing to win, and it's not Captain Scarlet."
Other passengers see the measures as a reasonable continuation of existing security procedures. "On the ground, it is the right of every American to own a gun – the power is equal," reasoned retired philosopher Marjory McGruder. "In a pressurised metal can several thousand feet up in the air only one man can have a gun – he alone has the power. I feel much safer like that."
How cool is this?
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