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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Iain Duncan Smith |
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| You smell better than: Home > News | 8th January |
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| U.S. government moved to undisclosed locations 24 Apr 2003 by Allen Voivod The Bush Administration, citing terrorist threats, moved several dozen government buildings from downtown Washington to undisclosed locations yesterday afternoon. Included in the move were the White House, the Capitol Building, and the Supreme Court. As a result, all three branches of federal government are now in protective custody. All that remain at the affected sites are patches of unpaved earth and underground parking lots. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge held a press conference to explain this unprecedented action. "Interviews with inmates at Guantanamo Bay, along with communications intercepts, indicated threats against multiple government buildings in Washington. Rather than try to determine which buildings were to be targeted, we felt it best to bring all the critical functions of government into more secure facilities." When asked how the move would affect the transparency of government functions, Ridge made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer also declined to give specific details about the move, citing national security concerns. Although a number of reporters made guesses as to where the White House had gone, Fleischer would only respond by telling reporters they were getting "warmer" or "colder." He did state that the various buildings had been transported to multiple locations to further ensure their safety. Rumours abound as to the new locations of government offices. Several institutional investors attending a shareholder meeting at Halliburton, Inc. told Business Week magazine they saw Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham carrying boxes of office supplies into the building, fuelling speculation that the Department of Energy has relocated to Halliburton's offices in Houston. Meanwhile, several eyewitnesses claim to have seen Attorney General John Ashcroft renting a U-haul 40 miles northeast of Boise, Idaho. And in Washington, DC, local gossip columnists are reporting that Supreme Court clerks were sent to buy bikinis and waxing cream for Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Clarence Thomas. The authority to remove federal office buildings was granted via the passage of the USA PATRIOT Act. When asked about this, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle replied, "Really? Wow. I guess none of us really read that thing through, did we? I wouldn't have voted for it if I'd known we could be sent to--" At this point, he was "shushed" by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Daschle then added in a whisper, "I wonder what other surprises are in that Act." Many residents in the surrounding neighbourhoods, stunned by the sudden disappearance of familiar landmarks, initially believed the relocation to be a terrorist act itself. "I thought I knew fear when I saw David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear," DC resident Vernon Chakotay said. He lives in Lafayette Park, across the street from where the White House once stood. In retrospect, he said, "I knew nothing about fear. Nothing." Ridge sought to reassure citizens that everything is under control. "You can go on about your daily lives, knowing that your government is ready to take every measure necessary to ensure your safety, even if it means making the vital functions of government unavailable to public scrutiny." He then crossed his arms, nodded his head and inexplicably disappeared in a burst of smoke.
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